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In order to keep up with the election scene, you have to be able to say something intelligent so that people are aware of your knowledge of presidential politics.

Here are a few things you can mutter to impress friends and strangers alike:"Michael Dukakis always looks as if he has just eaten airline food."

"If Bentsen loses he'll become a card-carrying member of American Express."

"I would rather have a vice president who looked like Robert Redford than someone who looked like Karl Malden."

"The only choice the voter has in this election is whether to trust Dan Quayle or Lloyd Bentsen to represent the United States at Emperor Hirohito's funeral."

"Mike Dukakis doesn't just have a stiff upper lip - he's stiff all over."

"Bentsen is the sole candidate in this election who keeps showing up on the sides of milk cartons as a missing person."

"I wish the ticket was Quayle and Bentsen. That way I would have no problem deciding which one I wanted to debate Raisa Gorbachev."

"People should get off George Bush's back because his friend Noriega didn't go to Vietnam. Anyone who served in the Panama National Guard was no draft dodger."

"I think if Bush becomes president and pardons Ollie North, he should also pardon the person who came up with the idea of naming Dan Quayle as his running mate."

"Each time Dukakis comes up with a health-care plan, the deficit gets sick."

"Somebody told me that if Dan Quayle is elected, he's going to make it possible for every man and woman in this country to get into law school - on a minority program."

"The reason you haven't heard from Bentsen is that he's been driving cattle across Texas from Amarillo to Houston."

"The only purpose in giving money to your party is so that it will be used to buy dirty, sleazy TV commercials to educate the American people."

"I'd rather have Dan Quayle's finger on the nuclear button than a lot of the teen-age kids in our neighborhood."

"My brother is a podiatrist, and he says that the reason Dukakis doesn't smile when he is sitting down is because his feet won't touch the floor."

"I'm tired of jokes about Bush and Pearl Harbor. Bush was trying to say that what makes this country great is the fact we can observe a day of infamy any time we want to."

"If I was Dan Quayle and I was running for vice president of the United States, I wouldn't answer any questions either."

"The wonderful thing about debates is that nobody has to tell the truth as long as the red light at the top of the camera is on."