"A pun is the lowest form of humor, especially if you didn't say it first." - Oscar Levant
Since Punster Day is celebrated annually on Nov. 7, this is an ideal time to honor Art Moger, America's "King of the Puns."In case you are unaware, a pun, according to Webster, is the humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest different meanings.
Moger, a publicist from Boston, has been collecting puns for more than four decades.
"Just put down that I have hundreds of thousands of them in my collection," said Moger, a tall silver-haired gentleman in his early 70s. "I've got tons of puns. I suppose to some people, collecting puns may seem an unusual hobby. But once I started collecting them, I discovered there were a lot of people around the world who had a similar hobby."
"I don't mean these people had pun collections as large as my collection. Nothing of the sort. But it seems as though every second person I meet has a private stock of puns."
Moger has so many puns, he put out a book called "The Complete Pun Book," which is now in is fifth printing. The book came out in 1980.
Moger, who looks more like a college professor than a press agent, became a pun collector on a Saturday back in 1942 when he took his son Stanley, then about 6, to a Walt Disney cartoon festival. During a Mickey Mouse cartoon, the younger Moger got up and started to leave.
"Where are you going?" his father wanted to know.
"Out."
"Why?"
And the boy replied: "Because Mickey Mouse gives me Disney spells."
Moger jotted down what his son said that afternoon, and he has been jotting down puns ever since. Because he has been a publicist for more than 45 years, the Bostonian has met a lot of big names. And every time one of them tossed off a pun, Moger made a note of it.
"Pat O'Brien gave me one of my favorites," said the collector. His was a pure pun. It goes, "Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train."
"Ernest Hemingway was a bit of a punster. His favorite was: `I don't like neuritis. Give me the old writers - Thackeray, Shakespeare and Dickens - every time.' Hemingway loved that one and was always telling it to people."
Moger said many people give Ronald Reagan credit for a pun he never uttered.
"Reagan is supposed to have said, `Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.' He didn't. That was an old radio gag. However, I understand he does have a favorite pun. It is: `Headaches are all in your mind.' "
One of Moger's personal favorites: "Russia and the United States should abide by the detente commandments."
Actor Richard Burton offered: "Used dromedaries are sold in a place called Camel Lot."
Former Baltimore Colt quarterback Johnny Unitas wanted to open a chain of restaurants called "The Unitas Steaks of America."
Chicago attorney Harvey Gordon, a veteran pun collector, once defined the difference between unlawful and illegal. He said, "Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird."
Fred Allen claimed: "When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell."
Allen also declared: "People who buy books on lawn care become good weeders.'
Maestro Arthur Fiedler of Boston Pops fame used to refer to his assistant conductors as "band aides."
John Wayne once added a gem to Moger's collection. He defined flattery as "phony express."
Vincent Price claims a monster with a drip-dry suit is "a wash-and-wear wolf." Get it?
Groucho Marx, when queried on women's rights, responded: "Right or left, I like either side of them."
Steven Allen wrote a book with a pun for a title. It was called "Wry on the Rocks."
Jim Jordan, the legendary Fibber McGee of radio fame, loves puns. "Show me a cross between a fox and a mink," he once stated, "and I'll show you a fink."
Oscar Levant said: "Show me a man who's afraid of Christmas and I'll show you a Noel Coward."
W.C. Fields offered: "Show me a low-cut dress and I'll show you a cold shoulder."
Jack Benny said: "Should you call a gold digger a human gimme pig?"
A sign in a Los Angeles book store reads: "Thank God I'm an atheist!"
Another sign, this one in a Minneapolis store read: "Is Betty Crocker a flour child?"
Comedian George Burns was once asked to use a sentence with the word "treason" in it. He responded: "My uncle has 65 treason his back yard."
Bing Crosby came up with this gem: "The first leather belt cost 99 cents - less than a buckle."
Bob Hope: "The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double wing ceremony."
Laurence Olivier's favorite pun was: "Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops."
Al Jolson: "Show me a pharaoh who ate crackers in bed and I'll show you a crummy mummy."
According to collector Moger, the best-known pun of all is this one: "Elevator operators have their ups and downs."
"Practically everyone uses that little joke," he said. "Another well-known one is: `Railroad conductors have to read a training manual.' I've heard that one a few thousand times too."
Finally, many years ago famed actor William Powell gave Art Moger this bit of advice: "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted."