Dr. Benjamin Spock says children of nearly every age get angry but that does not mean parents should allow them free reign in expressing it.
"Certainly a child has a right to communicate his or her angry feelings, and venting them is much healthier than constantly repressing them," Spock wrote in the current issue of Redbook, "but I believe it's wise for parents to impose some limitations on how those feelings are expressed."The famous pediatrician said children "should not be allowed to intimidate, control or show disrespect for their parents."
Infants cry furiously when they are hungry or colicky, but their anger is directed at their discomfort, not their parents.
Once children reach age 1 or 2, Spock wrote, their anger often is unleashed in temper tantrums. They have wishes and wills of their own and can become indignant when denied what they want.
"Even though temper tantrums are common for children at this age," Spock wrote, "it's wise for parents to try to hold them to a minimum as much as possible. This can be done by avoiding those situations in which you will have to say no, or by distracting the child away from some object she can't have."
If a tantrum erupts anyway, don't back down or give in.
"If you do," Spock wrote, "she'll eventually catch on that tantrums get her what she wants, and she's likely to begin using them as a deliberate tactic."
Try to arrest a tantrum quickly. Yelling will further anger her. Perhaps your child will respond to a peace gesture, such as the suggestion of a walk. Another child will continue screaming while the parent is in view, but will quiet down when left alone. Distracting a child with a toy or game also might work.
By age 3, children have the vocabulary and language skills to ask for what they want and understand a parent's explanation of why they can't have or do something.
Once a child has passed toddlerhood, his anger no longer erupts in blind rage. At this stage, Spock wrote, the way children display their anger depends mainly on how outspoken the parent has allowed them to be.
"Those children who are discouraged from expressing their feelings are likely to seethe inside, and their anger will show itself as sulkiness," he wrote, adding at the other extreme is the child who feels free to shout she hates her parents.
"My own feeling," Spock wrote, "is that it's wise for parents to acknowledge a child's anger, and to occasionally talk about it when a child is especially perturbed."
This allows the child to air anger and resentment, helps keep the child from feeling overly guilty about her anger and shows that parents aren't being unfair or unreasonable.
"Children can blurt out any manner of things when angry, but I don't think it's wise for parents to permit an angry child to speak rudely or abusively," Spock wrote.
Parents may understand the child's anger, he wrote, adding:
"But I believe that a parent should ask for, and expect to receive, a child's basic respect at all times, for the sake of both the parents and the child."
He said children feel guilty about insulting a parent, which may lead to further insults as she seeks punishment or limits.
Spock said brief fits of anger are normal, but warned that if a child is chronically sulky, moody, ready to explode at the slightest excuse or provocation, there may be a real problem.
"Occasional fits of anger are normal," Spock wrote, "but if a child is frequently or easily enraged, she may be sending a signal for help."