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IF I WERE SPORTS CHIEF, ‘90S WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS . . .

SHARE IF I WERE SPORTS CHIEF, ‘90S WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS . . .

- Random resolutions for the '90s (Or, what I'd decree if I were commissioner of the sports world):

- Just for the decade, football coaches should be able to fire university presidents.- The biggest potential problem threatening the decade - namely, crowd behavior - should be given No. 1 priority. People who manage sports arenas should resolve to stop beer sales at halftime (or the fifth inning) if the home team is ahead, and at the end of the first quarter (or the third inning) if the home team is behind.

- The National Basketball Association and National Hockey League should resolve to cut their number of playoff-qualifying teams at least in half.

- The PGA Tour should resolve to drop its iron curtain and open up the tour to all of the world's top players.

- Skiing and ice skating should resolve to join the rest of the world and end amateur restrictions.

- College football should resolve to adopt a Division I-A national tournament format and tell the bowl people to get real jobs.

- Major league baseball should resolve to ban everything artificial - grass, bats, ceilings, George Steinbrenner.

- The University of Utah and the Utah Jazz should resolve to trade arenas, in the interest of less empty seats all around.

- The Olympic Games should resolve to settle on one permanent location - in Athens, preferably - and stop creating massive political turmoil, civic debates, gross commercialization, Olympic referendum votes, and home court jingoism.

- The Olympic Games should resolve to stop adding events and to drop any events that you can smile while you're doing (rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming and ice dancin, for three).

- The NCAA should resolve to penalize the people who cheat, not the schools and the fans they represent.

- In a sweeping wave of taking politics out of sports, all nations NOT willing to participate with South Africans should be banned from international competition.

- College basketball coaches should resolve to spend their summer months watching films of their bench behavior from the previous season; the same goes for tennis players who argue with linesmen.

- Sugar Ray Leonard should resolve to retire no more than five times during the decade.

- Those who insist that rodeo isn't a sport should have to spend at least one ride aboard a live bull (and smile while they're at it).

- The Baseball Hall of Fame voters should resolve to vote themselves out of business.

- The sports media should resolve to not write about wonderful comebacks from drug addiction until at least 10 years have passed.

- Physicians should resolve to never prescribe steroids for anyone, anywhere, anytime.

- Pete Rose should resolve not to bet on anything but sure things - like, for instance, that he will never be reinstated.

- The sports media should resolve to stop treating senior sports like they're the real thing.

- The NCAA should resolve to divide the proceeds from its national basketball tournament among all Division I schools.

- Colleges should resolve to start paying their athletes in a more equitable manner, adding cash to the traditional books, room and board.

- College basketball and football perennial powers that insist on scheduling obviously weaker, lesser opponents should resolve to at least play them at their place.

- Hockey players who want to fight should resolve to take care of it in the parking lot after the game.

- Larry Miller should resolve to hold at least one player, one time, to the length of his contract.

- The NFL and major league baseball should resolve to not go out on strike again until their average salaries are at least less than ten times the national average salary.

- College athletic boosters who like to shake hands with $20 bills in their palms should resolve to shake hands in soup kitchens and homeless shelters, not in stadium locker rooms.

- And we should all resolve to enjoy sports in the '90s while remembering the words of Thomas Mann, "Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols." Figure that one out . . . and have a happy new decade.