Mrs. Utah 1989, Lisa Stevens, says no one has to settle for anything less than the ideal marriage.
Speaking to an assembled group at a National Victims' Rights Week Resource Arena Day program at the Utah County building, Stevens said she learned that lesson during a previous marriage."If you think a violent crime is tragic, imagine if it's coming from someone you love," she said. "Don't settle for anything short of your dreams."
Stevens said she was a battered wife during her first marriage and said she knew soon after she was married that her situation wasn't what she thought it would be. "I quickly found out that the script was unfolding differently than what I had dreamed."
She left her husband several times during their marriage but continued to return because it was the easy thing to do.
When she finally decided to leave her first husband permanently, she thought divorce was the lesser of two evils. "I found out later that it wasn't the lesser of two evils, that there was a right and a wrong. I now have the marriage I always wanted."
She counseled single women to seek education to prevent going through the same type of abuse. There are behavioral signs that point to potential abuse in the future.
Possessiveness, mood swings, jealousy and a quick temper are four warning signals of a potentially abusive spouse, she said. That abuse can spread to the children. "If they can abuse you, why can't they abuse a child who is younger and less defensive?"
She said centers are available that help women who decide to leave abusive spouses, and that makes the transition easier. "If you decide to leave, you've already gone through the hardest part."
Stevens said a woman cannot change an abusive husband, that an abusive person has to decide on his own that he needs help. If he doesn't recognize the problem, then it's time to get out of the relationship.
"Nobody has to put up with this kind of behavior."