Even the most interested observer must admit we live in an age of overkill. Thanks to the magic of the media, we now know such important things as where Magic Johnson eats and what he drives; who Jim McMahon loves to hate. We can savor such pertinent facts as Michael Jordan's shoe size.
Like "Happy Days" reruns, overkill is everywhere. Does the name FloJo ring any bells? Overkill churns out names, brands, facts and figures day and night, like confetti, until we're hearing their names in our sleep.A case in point: Kareem Abdul Jabbar. His year-long farewell tour got to looking like a game show. Gifts on every stop, each succeeding stop topping the other.
Kareem: I'll take what's behind Door No. 1 - Phoenix.
MC: Good choice. Behind Door No. 1 we have . . . a beautiful (crowd squeals with delight) Kareem Kompact Disc player by Sony. And while you're relaxing in the air conditioned comfort of your home, listening to your new KKD player, we have (Ooooh!) your very own Kareem Korn, hot air popcorn popping machine. . .
Kareem: Um . . . next I think I'll try Door No. 5 - Milwaukee.
MC: All right. Behind Door No. 2 we have, from the great fans of Milwaukee . . . A Wisconsin dairy farm! And while you're wiling away pleasant hours in your Skybarn, you can enjoy the sight of your very own . . . (gasps here) herd of Kareem Kattle!
And so on.
This kind of fuss over a guy whose chief personality trait is a scowl.
Other overkill offenders:
- Mark Gastineau/Brigette Nielsen. One can't play, the other can't act. Would that these Amazons could just marry and settle down. In Tibet.
- FloJo. Look for these items, coming soon to your neighborhood shopping mall: FloJo biographies, dolls, coloring books and comics; FloJo perfumes, lingerie and weight reduction centers. And - who knows? - maybe FloJo: The Movie. Then, FloJo Takes Manhattan, followed by, FloJo and the Temple of Doom.
We know all about her leotards, her fingernails, her hair, her personality, her tears, her retirement.
There's only one thing we don't know about FloJo: How to avoid her.
And on a lesser scale:
- Reunion Tours. This includes the Beach Boys, The Who, The Monkees, the Moody Blues, Shoeless Joe Jackson (back to life in the movies) and the Los Angeles Lakers.
All were better the first run.
- Soviet gymnasts. They come to Cedar City, eat barbecued ribs and put on cowboy hats for the 10 o'clock news. How interesting can it get?
- Margo Adams. She made a half million dollars for telling on Wade Boggs. Is there something wrong here?
- Fusion. The next thing I want to hear on fusion is that I can drive it to work. It's only a matter of time until some dimwit names an expansion franchise after it.
- The '60s. If they were so great, how come the Yankees were the only team you could see on TV?
- Pete Rose. There are self-avowed drug, alcohol and sex addicts out there who are headed toward the Hall of Fame. And Pete's going to hurt baseball's image?
- Battle of the Network Stars. Has there ever been a more effective deterrent to television? OK. So you've seen People's Court.
- Athletic Presidents. If George Bush can be labeled "athletic," then Yogi Berra should be called "presidential."
- Steroids. Now it's really embarrassing to have pimples on your back.
- Baseball movies. They've become more interesting than the game.
- Tyson/Givens. We're all punch drunk from this.
- First name stars. Isiah, Akeem, Magic, Kareem. So big, you don't need last names. If you think using first names is such a great idea, just try calling them by name and asking for an autograph.
- Recruiting violations. Cars, cash, apartments . . . College football players may not make the NFL, but they would make great congressmen.
- Born again baseball fans: Most of today's "longtime" baseball lovers got their understanding of the game from Susan Sarandon.
- Oklahoma football. Isn't there enough crime and violence on television already?
- America's Cup. Yacht racing is only interesting if you own one.