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THE VICIOUS LITTLE FEARS AND TINY TERRORS THAT STALK THE MALE OF THE SPECIES

Men's Fears:

- That we'll be unable to open a jar of pickle relish.- That we'll then hand it to our wives and see them open it on their own.

- That we'll discover the reason the shower water is draining slowly has something to do with our hairlines.

- That we'll realize every player on our favorite major league team is younger than we are.

- That we'll be asked to do the laundry - carefully - and still turn our wives' expensive white blouse pure pink.

- That we'll put on one of those pairs of socks that end up being sucked into our loafers every time we walk more than five steps.

- That we'll be beaten in tennis by a female.

- That we'll get home from a long day at work and see we'd forgotten to remove a piece of tissue paper we'd put on a shaving cut that morning.

- That we'll find out our wives, when in heels, are taller than we are.

- That we'll take up a pair of summer pants from the basement, suck in our stomachs for all we're worth, and still find the two sides of the snap are an inch apart.

- That we'll receive a box marked, "Assembly required."

- That after failing to assemble what's inside, we'll leave the house in frustration, then return to find our wives have put it together perfectly.

- That the steak will fall through the barbecue grill, onto the coals.

- That we'll pick up a water glass off our wives' inherited antique desk and see a ring.

- That while out to lunch with the guys, one of them will look at us and ask: "What do you think about Canseco getting hurt?" - when we're not sure which sport Canseco plays.

- That we'll discover our wives are making more money than we are.

- That we'll come out of a haircutting appointment to find we've been made to look like Robert Goulet.

- That even after 20 pulls of the lawnmower cord, with our wives watching, we still won't be able to start the motor.

- That while backing our cars into the garage, with our wives watching, we'll end up smashing into a bicycle.

- That if we wear mismatched ties and jackets, we'll be considered slobs.

- That if we wear perfectly matched ties and jackets, we'll be considered dandies.

- That we'll take off our shirt to find a roll of stomach spilling over our belts.

- That we'll then notice our wives are nearby, watching the above display.

- That we'll strike out during a weekend softball game.

- Worse - a coed softball game.

- That someone will ask us to set the clock on the VCR.

- Worse still - that we'll be asked to set the VCR to tape a show while we're out of the house.

- Worst of all - that after taping a show for our wives, we'll hit the playback button and find all we got was static.

- That we'll suddenly discover a sunburn on the top of our heads.

- That we'll run into one of our wive's ex-boyfriends.

- And realize he's better looking than we are.

- And worse, in better shape.

- That one day, we'll flex our right bicep without result.

- That a woman friend will put her hand on our right bicep and say, "Let's see if you've been working out."

- And finally, there is the ultimate: That we will get lost while driving our wives to an appointment.

- Which would leave us facing our biggest fear of all.

- The fear of having to actually stop and ask a stranger for directions.