People frequently ask me, "Dave, what has gone wrong with America, anyways?" And I always reply: "What has gone wrong is that over in Germany and Japan, people are interested in computers, robots and other high-technology concepts, whereas here in America people are interested in whether MARLA MAPLES had her breasts augmented."
Let me stress that I am not mentioning MARLA MAPLES in capital letters because I wish to boost the readership of this column. I am mentioning MARLA MAPLES because I think it's pretty pathetic that this once-great nation - a nation that produced technological geniuses such as Thomas Edison, Henry Ford and Mister Wizard - has become so technologically illiterate that according to a survey, 74 percent of all Americans agree with the statement that a fax machine works by "sending rolled-up paper through a wire." You morons! THE PAPER IS ALREADY IN THE MACHINE. Only the INK goes through the wire!Clearly this nation is in a sorry state. And yet our newspapers and magazines continue to pander to the public's insatiable lust for mindless articles about MARLA MAPLES, which take up space that could be used to provide important technical information.
Well, I say it's time that we Americans stopped being the Big Fat Stupidheads of the industrialized world. This is why today I'm going to "take the high road" by defying this national obsession with tawdry celebrity trivia and devoting an entire column to answering your questions about technology. Come on, America! Put on your thinking caps! Let's have some technology questions!
QUESTION: Are you saying that MARLA MAPLES' breasts have been augmented?
ANSWER: No I am NOT saying that. Nor am I suggesting here, for the first time, that before her face lift MARLA MAPLES had neck wattles deep enough to raise bats in. Today I wish to focus on your questions concerning technological matters, such as how an automatic transmission changes gears.
QUESTION: How does an automatic transmission change gears?
ANSWER: There is probably some kind of mechanism in there, but don't quote me on that. And let us also put an end to these rumors that MARLA MAPLES had upper-thigh liposuction so extensive as to require an industrial fire hose.
QUESTION: How do those electronic hand dryers in public restrooms work?
ANSWER: At last, a question that does not require me to mention MARLA MAPLES. Electronic restroom hand dryers are miraculous labor-saving devices that work by shooting out a special kind of air, made from compressed sneezes, that actually makes your hands sticky without getting them dry.
QUESTION: You know those automatic supermarket checkout scanners, where the clerk waves the product past a little window and the register beeps and shows the price? How does that work?
ANSWER: Inside the counter is a small compartment where a person named Marge crouches in the darkness, peering up through the window and frantically ringing up your purchases as the clerk waves them past. The system used to involve a laser beam, but they had to stop this when the beam detonated a can of Spam, sending superheated chunks of meat-like byproducts hurtling in all directions and severely damaging an issue of the Weekly World News (MARLA: ELVIS ATE MY BABY).
QUESTION: How does an elevator work?
ANSWER: An elevator is essentially a small room dangling over a very deep shaft, held up by thin cables that are maintained by building employees who have tremendous trouble just keeping all the toilets working.
QUESTION: What do they have to do with SEX-CHANGE UFO VAMPIRE MARLA MAPLES?
ANSWER: They claim they are "just friends."
NEXT WEEK: German Reunification - ROB LOWE tells his side.