DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend came to visit me for 10 days to get over the breakup of a romance. She offered no assistance at all with the cooking and after-meal cleanup. In fact, she resented being asked to help, saying that she felt "too sad" to work and that I seemed unapproachable.
I tried many times to encourage her to talk, hoping that I would understand her moodiness, which I felt was burdensome to my family as well as self-centered.We quarreled about the proper role of a self-invited house guest. I have always felt that when I am a guest, I should assist my host or hostess with the extra burden.
GENTLE READER: Let us see if Miss Manners understands this situation correctly.
Your friend invited herself to your house because she was miserable. She then did everything a house guest can do to make you and your family miserable. Now she declares that you were callous not to bear your misery in order to allow her to indulge undisturbed in her misery.
Miss Manners hopes you are not falling for such an argument. While it is possible to be so distraught from a broken love affair that one is incapable of going through the ordinary motions of life, such a person should not be under the strain of being a guest, unless in a psychiatric hospital. A person who is ordinarily heartbroken and can profit from the sympathy of friends, would be best served by the distractions of attending to the needs of others.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son is a banker and dresses appropriately in single-breasted suits with vest, oxford button-down shirts, and regimental striped silk ties, but he insists on wearing, for work and leisure activities, black tasseled moccasins with pointed toes. Are we incorrect to be offended by this?
GENTLE READER: Your son is obviously a rebel and an anarchist. Who brought him up? Will he ever be able to live at peace in decent society?
Miss Manners rather thinks so. A banker who tolerates his parents' criticizing his shoes, without either giving in to them or giving in to the natural feelings such an invasion would inspire, is a gentleman after Miss Manners' own heart.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the designated fashion arbiter for our office. Many of our employees, particularly younger females, are completely unaware of the basic fashion rule of "no white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day."
I believe this is codified somewhere in Illinois law, but I am unable to find it. Would you please restate the no-white law for me to reinforce my position?
GENTLE READER: This is not state law; it is Miss Manners law. Unfortunately, another Miss Manners law, against criticizing other people's habits and clothes, takes precedence over it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate student in a department that requires its students to complete a series of oral examinations, each conducted by a panel of faculty members. There has been an unwritten tradition that the examinee should bring refreshments, but one of the members of my examining committee has expressed to me his preference that I not bring refreshments to my upcoming oral.
I agree that oral exams should be professional and businesslike and that students should not try to create a cozy atmosphere in an attempt to overcome feelings of being intimidated. Our department needs to pay special attention to such issues, since we have a large majority of female students and a large majority of male faculty members.
However, I am also concerned about offending (or at least disappointing) other members of the examining committee.
Are there rules of etiquette governing such circumstances, which I could circulate? I am more worried about this issue than the actual content of the examination.
GENTLE READER: Here is a brand-new ruling from Miss Manners: The custom of having the student bring the refreshments is hereby declared invalid. Any such sustaining supplies should be the responsibility of the department.
However, you don't really want to hand this declaration out at your orals. The custom of criticizing your examining committee has never been a useful one.
What you want to do instead is to compliment the professor who told you not to follow the tradition. Something along the lines of "Although I would have been happy to bring the usual refreshments, I want to tell you how much I and the other graduate students appreciate your sensitivity in suspending the custom" ought to turn any disgruntled feelings away from you and onto their colleague.
Judith Martin is author of the new book "Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium" (Pharos Books).
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions other than through this column.