BEFORE NOW, KARL MALONE'S basketball camp was open exclusively to boys and girls. In the interest of fair play, the Mailman is expanding this summer, offering his personalized instruction to adults in a five-evening session later this month at Bountiful High.
The idea of a camp for adults is nothing new, but the phenomenon that started with baseball has only recently spread to basketball and is just now reaching Utah. The Mailman's adult camp will be the first of its kind in this area, although teammate Thurl Bailey is countering with a adult camp of his own next month.After just five, four-hour sessions, you'll be walking and talking like Karl Malone. Now, nobody can teach you to score, rebound and compete like the Mailman in a week, but all that is only part of the game.
As a public service to help each camper make the most of his/her $135 investment, I have appointed myself as the unofficial advisor to the Karl Malone Fantasy Camp. Having watched the Mailman play and practice roughly 600 times, I am uniquely qualified to design the camp's outline.
Fundamentals? That's kid's stuff. I say this camp should deal strictly with advanced material, including the following subjects:
- Dealing with referees: Earl Strom will make a guest appearance to add that touch of realism. Campers will learn important techniques such as the Mailman's stare and glare and move on to effective reasoning, pleading and complaining. Fines for technical fouls will be paid with play money to a pretend charity.
- Dunking: We'll lower the baskets to eight feet if we have to, but dunking cannot be overlooked. Scoring the two points for a dunk is one thing, but style is absolutely vital here. No harm in missing a dunk once a while; that's part of the show. We'll cover cool poses while dunking and velocity of the throw-down.
- Finding the camera: Reporting to the arena early is helpful, not just to shoot around but to check out the locations of the hand-held television cameras. This area relates directly to dunking, because no dunk is complete without the follow-up move of finding the camera and waving your fist in celebration. Extra points for creative demonstrations.
- Playing with injuries: Considering Malone has missed only three games in his NBA career, he obviously knows how to play with a little pain. And if you've paid $135 and sprain your ankle on the second night of the camp, so will you.
- Reacting to bad news: As part of a secret scheme, we'll name an all-camp team and purposely leave off the best player, just to see what he does. If he complains, calls the camp director to express his feelings and threatens to boycott the awards dinner, he wins the MVP award.
- Contracts and agents: Hey, this is the NBA of the '90s. Before long, we'll be including this subject in the youth camps. For this lecture, Karl Malone will appear as Themselves, because he's both a player and an agent. He'll cover how to act as your own agent, what to ask for, what leverage to use and, most importantly, when to renegotiate.
As a bonus, the Mailman will also present self-marketing ideas to help you really cash in off the court. Frank Layden will also discuss what endorsement offers to take, if not all of them.
- Media relations: Often overlooked in these camps, but essential in developing an image, which in turn opens marketing doors. You'll learn to mention your boyhood influences frequently and discover the tricky secret of keeping your teammates happy by appearing to talk more about them than about yourself.
You'll also learn which studio interviews are most important. Hint: Arsenio Hall is much, much bigger than Craig Bolerjack.
By now, you may be wondering, why not save the $135 and try to learn these things on your own? We caution you that this material is useless unless relayed by certified instructors in the proper context. Only the Mailman can truly teach you to think and act like the Mailman.
What's more, you'll have a chance to try out your just-learned skills against other aspiring Mailmen to judge your progress. And if this stuff works, we'll considering selling the program to Bailey's camp next month.