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There are a few things I've been pondering this week:

- If James Ar-rington really swallowed all those potato chips he puts in his mouth at the Farley Family Reunion, he would weigh 350 lbs. and have a cholesterol count of 450.- If The publishers of the Quayle Quarterly, a Watchful Eye on the Vice Presidency, out of Bridgeport, Conn., keep collecting all the latest Quayle faux pas, they ought to be assured of a good business for at least eight years.

- If we continue to detect no national Democrat actively seeking the presidency in 1992, we may as well hand re-election to President Bush by acclamation. (Traditionally, the opposition party jumps into the fray AT LEAST two years in advance of the election, and sometimes FOUR!)

- If Boris Yeltsin, the risk-prone president of the Russian Republic, continues to build his Soviet popularity by doing such crazy things as resigning from the Communist Party, he is destined either to overtake Gorbachev in popularity and power, or be executed, whichever comes first. Unless both come simultaneously.

- If Wayne Owens and Howard Nielson really DO bury the hatchet, how can we possibly maintain our burning interest in Utah politics? Would there be any other local politicians who would be willing to spend every waking hour trying to destroy each other?

- If the tax on food is removed, it means that people with fixed incomes and those with large families will benefit. Isn't that the simplest thing you can imagine?

- If the new parking terrace at the Salt Lake International Airport is ever completed, we can say goodbye forever to that enormously irritating and time-consuming airport short-term shuttle, which, by the way, no one seems to understand. (Overheard on shuttle: "What is the difference between `short-term' and `long-term?' ")

- If Adnan Khashoggi is actually not guilty of helping Imelda Marcos to hide millions of dollars stolen from the Philippine government, most Utahns would be surprised.

- If Gerry Spence, the high-powered Wyoming attorney who defended Marcos, is representative of all attorneys, then we might understand why lawyers are second only to politicians and used-car dealers in the number of rude jokes told about them.

- If Marion Barry, an alleged drug user and reprobate with no discernible redeeming qualities, could have remained mayor of the nation's capital for 12 years, then anyone could. Possibly even our family cat, Boston, whose disposition is better than Barry's.

- If the American people knew that the savings and loan crisis will be paid for by taking $2,000 from every American, they would be so furious that they would launch a major rebellion to compare with the Boston Tea Party. They would insist that the government force those responsible to pay for it by confiscating their property!

- If we could only figure out some way to channel the energies of Dart-man (the troubled soul who blew numerous little darts into the unfortunate behinds of unsuspecting women) and the manhole cover bandit, who removed numerous manhole covers all over Los Angeles for no apparent reason, we could figure out a way to solve the savings and loan crisis.

- If Richard Nixon makes his presidential library in Yorba Linda, Calif., the only privately funded presidential library AND the only one that restricted the people who came to the dedication and who research in it, it will be consistent with everything he ever stood for as the most corrupt president in American history.

- If you think Henry Hilton, the County Commission candidate who shoved his way to the front of a movie line and allegedly bit the arm of another patron, really was investigating drugs in Sandy, I've got a bridge I want to sell you.

- If construction is ever completed in Big Cottonwood Canyon enabling a person to drive up without a one- to two-hour delay, we should have a massive canyon party and instead of marshmallows, roast in effigy all the local and national politicians mentioned in this column. Yes!