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Speaking on behalf of all the guys in the world, except possibly Phil Donahue, I want to say that I am really ticked off about the results of this recent poll of women. You probably read about it. The Roper Organization asked 3,000 women the following question:

"Do you agree that the average man today is a lazy selfish opinionated egotistical sex-crazed tub of crud who never thinks about anybody but himself and refuses to help with child-rearing or housework and wants to go to bed with practically every woman he meets who is not legally his grandmother and tends to have the same annual output of natural gas as Montana?"Eighty-seven percent of the women agreed with this. The other 13 percent noted that men also pick their noses at stoplights.

By scientifically analyzing these results, we can conclude that women do not appear to have a high opinion of men. This is unfair. Oh, sure, men in the past have displayed certain unfortunate behavior patterns that tended to produce unhappy relationships, world wars, etc. But today's man is different. Today's man knows that he's supposed to be a sensitive and caring relationship partner, and he's making radical lifestyle changes such as sometimes remembering to remove the used tissue wads from his pockets before depositing his pants on the floor to be picked up by the Laundry Fairy.

And so here we men are, making this kind of extreme sacrifice, and WHAM, the Roper Organization hits us with the fact that women still think we're jerks. This really burns my briefs. I mean, I'd like you women to stop and think for a moment about what this world would be like without men. Think of the vast array of cultural and scientific achievements you'd have to do without, including:

1. Football.

2. Professional football.

3. Ear hair.

4. Betting on football.

The list just goes on and on. And let's talk about men's alleged obsession with sex. Do you women think that men are just ANIMALS? Do you really think that all they want to do is get you into bed? Wrong! A lot of guys, especially in bars, would be happy to get you into a phone booth! Or right there on the bar! ("Nobody will notice us," the guy will say, being suave. "They're watching `Wheel of Fortune.' ")

But that doesn't mean ALL guys are like that. There are countless examples of guys who think about things besides sex. The guys on the U.S. Supreme Court, for example, think about important constitutional issues, as is shown by this transcript from recent court deliberations:

CHIEF JUSTICE WILLIAM H. REHNQUIST: Whoa! Get a load of the torts on THAT plaintiff!


And I am particularly outraged by the charge that guys never help out around the house. I happen to be a guy, and often, when my wife goes away, I assume Total Responsibility for the household, and my wife has such confidence in me that she will often wait for an entire half-hour before she calls:

MY WIFE: Is everything OK?

ME: Fine!

MY WIFE: Is Robert OK?

ME: Robert?

MY WIFE: Our child.

ME: Robert is here?

My wife likes to give me these helpful reminders from time to time because once she went away for several days, and when she got home, she determined that all Robert had eaten the entire time was chocolate Easter-bunny heads. But other than that, I am very strong in the homemaking department, the kind of guy who, if he gets Cheez Whiz on the sofa, will squirt some Windex on it without even having to be told.

So come on, women. Stop being so harsh on us guys, and start seeing past our macho hairy exteriors, into the sensitive, thoughtful, and - yes - vulnerable individuals that we are deep down inside. And while you're at it, fix us a sandwich.