Anyone who has tried to speak a foreign language without really understanding it knows what humiliation is.
I once attempted, in my flawless German, to inquire of an innkeeper about accommodations. "No," he said, "I do not have twin children. I do have a double room, if that is what you want."In Japan, I tossed out the phrase that I was certain meant "Don't worry about it," and after the hilarity had subsided learned that I had just told the object of my attention that she was being addressed by a eunuch.
And anyone who has tried, on Christmas Eve, to follow the assembly instructions for toys manufactured in exotic lands, knows that this cuts both ways.
Stanley Stallcup has sent along a collection of public notices posted in various countries and in varying coincidence with English. These were first published in the Far Eastern Economic Review.
In a Bucharest, Romania, hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Belgrade, Yugoslavia, hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In a Vienna, Austria, hotel: In case of fire, do your best to alarm the hotel porter.
In a Zurich, Switzerland, hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement for a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - No ice cream.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
And my personal favorite, from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.