THINGS I'D PAY money to see in college football:
- THE ELIMINATION OF THE FOURTH QUARTER.Now that it's obvious, after 121 years of going in the wrong direction, that no one is going to shorten the pace at which they play the game; that they're not going to cut back the 25-second clock or start the clock after incomplete passes or curtail TV timeouts or make the referees get the game moving after a penalty or restrict substitutions, and games are going to go on longer than this paragraph, partial amputation is the only obvious solution.
- CAL PLAY STANFORD.
On the one hand you've got your basic hard-core rivalries - Oklahoma-Nebraska, Southern Cal-Notre Dame, Michigan-Ohio State, Georgia-Auburn, BYU-Utah, Army-Navy, you name it; on the other hand you've got Cal-Stanford, a.k.a. The Big Game. The Cal-Stanford rivalry has everything - school loyalties that divide the San Francisco Bay down the middle, intense dislike, and teams that are crummy enough every year that playing each other has to be their highlight. In the past 16 years, no less than four of the Cal-Stanford games - or 25 percent - have been decided on a final-second play, including one that involved the band. There is no better ticket on the gridiron. The Big Game will play its 93rd rendition Nov. 17 at Cal's stadium in Berkeley. Anyone who ever went to Cal or Stanford will be there or have a good excuse why not.
- BRONKO NAGURSKI TACKLE BRONKO NAGURSKI.
Nagurski was the only man to ever make All-America at TWO positions in the same year. In 1929, Grantland Rice, who chose the All-America team for Look Magazine, named Nagurski first-team at both tackle and fullback. When Nagurski, who played at Minnesota and was so big and so strong that a lot of people think he inspired the invention of steroids (by his opponents) died last year, it was the first verification that he was actually human.
- THE FORDHAM-BROWN GAME.
They play on Sept. 29 at Brown in a game that USA Today's computer says ranks easily as the most unspectacular matchup of 1990, a.k.a. The Little Game. Of 193 Div. I-A and I-AA colleges, Fordham ranks 193rd on the computer power-points list and Brown ranks 188th. Both are projected to be worse off this year than last year - when they managed 2-8 records, respectively. If they're not both 0-3 when they meet, it will be a surprise. If they're not both 0-4 after they meet, it will be a surprise.
- NOTRE DAME PLAY SLIPPERY ROCK.
Or McNeese State, or Cal State-Boondocks, or the CBS-TV staff, or Fordham or Brown. When the Irish turned their back on their fellow associates in the College Football Association last spring and signed a one-school, multi-year television contract with CBS they became college football's answer to Benedict Arnold. In their wake they left behind a chaotic atmosphere of conferences scrambling to realign and individual schools looking to similarly cut their own TV deals. The 63 remaining members of the CFA didn't suddenly realize they had something else to do on those Saturdays they were scheduled to play Notre Dame, and effectively ostracize the Irish into the land of obscure opponents . . . but they should have.
- A 290-POUND DEFENSIVE TACKLE who has just made a massive, earthquake-threatening, REM-inducing, play-stopping sack on the opposing quarterback . . . who then steps back from the fallen quarterback and jogs on back to the defensive huddle without doing so much as one step of a Samoan war dance.
- ONE SEASON WHEN IT WOULD BE LEGAL FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES TO FIRE COLLEGE PRESIDENTS INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
For months, there would be media leaks from the football office regarding the status of the president, i.e., "he needs to get at least one more endowed chair to feel secure about next year." At the University of Utah, the coach would declare unyielding support and loyalty for the president - and then fire him.
- PAID PLAYERS.
Paid as in C-A-S-H. Technically the players are already paid, or what else would you call food, board, books and game tickets on the 50-yard-line? But what football players need, beyond their scholarships, is real money so they can order pizzas and go to the 7-11 and buy gas for their car just like regular students who have time to work when they're not going to class.
- A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
Think of it. College football could join the 1900s. It could have a national champion the same as the American Speedboat Association and the National Frizbee Golf Association and every other sport known to college or Americans. Some things aren't possible. Bronko Nagurski, for instance, could never actually tackle Bronko Nagurski. But a national championship game is as possible as walking into the offices of the bowl people and telling them all deal's are off and thanks for the memories. And it will happen. Just as soon as they eliminate the fourth quarter and Notre Dame gets banished to a season of open dates.