THESE ARE TROUBLED TIMES for Mike Tyson. Everyone is coming after our favorite boxer outside the ring. You can't open the newspaper or tune in the evening news without seeing charges of rape, paternity, pillage, assault or illegal use of hands against Tyson, and there's no end in sight . . .
PRINCE WILLIAM SOUND - A spokesman for Exxon says the company is preparing to file a lawsuit against Mike Tyson for running the Valdez aground, causing the ship to spill 11 million gallons of oil into the ocean. "It wasn't Joseph Hazelwood, it was Kid Dynamite," said the spokesman. "He hit a tree."MOSCOW - Mikhail Gorbachev accused Mike Tyson of stirring up insurrection in the Baltic States while addressing the Politburo.
"He visited Lithuania once for five minutes," said Gorbachev. "Why else would he be there?"
PORT AU PRINCE - Haitian officials are seeking the arrest of Mike Tyson, claiming that he led the recent coup that sent President Jean-Bertrand Aristide packing.
WASHINGTON - Oliver North, claiming his innocence in the Iran-Contra scandal once again, said today that the last he saw of the guns was when he put them in the trunk of Mike Tyson's Bentley . . .
MIAMI - Manuel Noriega told reporters this week that it was Mike Tyson who made the deals with Columbian drug dealers. "I never knew anything about it," he said. "Honest Injun."
SALT LAKE CITY - Martin Fleischman and Stanley Pons called a press conference Tuesday to blame Mike Tyson for misleading them into thinking they had discovered cold fusion. Said Pons, "Iron Mike slipped a little Alka-Seltzer into the batch, and, poof!, we thought we had cold fusion. Sorry about that, fellas."
PEKING - Chinese government officials believe Mike Tyson is singlehandedly responsible for the country's soaring birthrate and are seeking extradition of the boxer to face charges of conspiring against the motherland. "We believe he should set up a trust fund for every child under the age of 2," said one official. "One title fight ought to take care of it."
BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein told United Nations inspectors today that he obtained the faulty SCUD missiles from Mike Tyson while the boxer was doing a beauty pageant in town. "We should give Mike a medal," cracked one U.N. inspector.
DAMASCUS - After examining a recent videotape, the U.S. government says that a man who looks suspiciously like Mike Tyson is among the Shiite-Muslims holding American hostages in Syria.
NEW YORK - Marla Maples told reporters today that she decided to dump The Donald after watching him oogle and flirt with contestants at the Miss American Pageant with his pal Mike Tyson.
In other headlines from around the world . . . the National Weather Service accuses Tyson of starting Hurricane Bob. Jose Canseco says he wasn't the one seen leaving Madonna's apartment; it was Iron Mike. Liz blames a luncheon date with Mike Tyson for the weight gains.
Zsa Zsa says it was Tyson who slapped the cop. Mili Vanilli claims it was Tyson's idea to lip sync the record. Michael Jordan says Tyson prevented him from attending the luncheon with President Bush. Otis Nixon blames Tyson for pulling him off the wagon in the middle of the pennant race. Another Nixon - Richard - claims it was Tyson who used profanity on the tapes. Ivan Boesky says it was Tyson who tipped him off.
The Warren Commission was disappointed to learn that Tyson wasn't alive in 1963.Princess Di was seen leaving a royal ball with Tyson; Charles reportedly is upset. Elvis was seen again this week - in the company of Mike Tyson. John Sununu says it was Tyson who used the limo and Air Force One. "He was in a hurry to get to a beauty pageant," Sununu told reporters. Don King blames Tyson for the hair.
William Kennedy Smith wants to know where Mike Tyson was on the night of March 30, 1990.
The Enquirer reports that Marilyn Monroe is alive and well - and being kept prisoner by Mike Tyson. Robin Givens says she told us so. Marion Barry will appeal again, saying he was set up by Mike Tyson. Bo says he knows it was Tyson who broke his hip.
Meanwhile, Evander Holyfield wants a shot at Mike Tyson next month.
He'll have to take a number.