I was hanging out with a group of authors recently when the subject came up of which best-seller list is tougher competition: fiction or non-fiction.
I could not believe we were having this discussion. Were they crazy? As a non-fiction author, I'm here to tell you it's a jungle out there.If you are an author who hasn't had a disastrous childhood, slept around or have a formula for suicide, you don't have a chance.
We do battle with Geraldo, who recalled in his book every "nooner" he had since the age of 9; LaToya Jackson, who is into serious family bashing; and a basketball Hall of Famer, Wilt Chamberlain, who gives new meaning to "get a life."
Can you see me vying for time on one of the 20 or so talk shows with Wilt?
Host: Erma, Wilt has just told us he slept with 20,000 women - an average of 1.4 a day for 40 years. How many times for you?
Erma: How many times what?
Host: Sexual encounters. Surely, there are people who hang around authors at bookstores looking for favors after you sign your work.
Erma: Oh, THOSE people. Those are my relatives waiting for free books.
Host: Then I assume you don't discuss your personal conquests in your book.
Erma: I'm not into science fiction.
Host: We're going to take a break. We'll have more with Wilt when we return.
If it isn't sex non-fiction writers have to contend with, it's restored memories. Former President Ronald Reagan got on the best-seller list with his memoirs and was promptly displaced by the first dog, Millie, who seemed to remember more than the president. Millie's book became history when Oliver North remembered more than the dog and didn't wet on chair legs in the Green Room.
Non-fiction books are becoming a living tribute to the old Alice Roosevelt Longworth quote, "If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
Case in point: I read a review recently of Ginger Rogers' autobiography. The reviewer was disappointed. He said you'd think with all those marriages and all thsoe years in Hollywood, there would have been something rotten to say about someone, but Ginger said they were just nice people.
Next year, Roseanne Arnold is writing a book about sexual abuse, overeating, smoking, divorce, alcoholism, drugs and self-mutilation. Who stands a chance?
The fiction writers listened to me in silence before one of them said, "We'll take Roseanne - if you take on Scarlett."