"Every now and then I have a fleeting feeling I can actually make it all work, but then something happens and I realize it's a delusion."
Those words come from a woman of the '90s who's juggling an impossible number of tasks, always straining to do her best but never quite feeling she's succeeding.If you're a woman who identifies - who's saying "Right on! I know the feeling!" - you may be interested to know that you have a multitude of soulmates. Most women today are struggling to perform too many roles too well and chronically feeling like they're flunking.
And why is that? Interesting, there is a core answer to that question. What's plaguing women is traditional cultural conditioning, operating at an unconscious level, that is driving them to achieve far beyond what is humanly possible to accomplish. And to feel that they are flawed and failing when they can't keep their act together.
The cultural conditioning of the '50s - that tacit programming that placed men in the workplace and women in the kitchen baking cookies - is programming that served the woman's mother or grandmother very well. Yet today's woman is attempting to respond to contemporary - and drastically changed - conditions in the Western culture with outmoded programming and standards from an earlier era.
The fact is, two or three decades ago a woman could do it herself. Her job was hard but limited in scope and well-defined. She was not beset with literally dozens of messages a day coming from all directions about what she should be doing to be an adequate woman. She knew. But today's woman doesn't. She is a pioneer about the business of changing her core roles under unprecedented conditions.
So what happens to a woman who believes she can do it all and have it all - keep her world organized and tidy just like her mom - when the media perpetuates never-ending and often conflicting messages about her role and how she can do a better "job"?
She keeps applying her '50s programming - that programming telling her that if she just works harder, organizes better and sleeps less, she'll be able to get her job done. And there's no artificial line that signals the woman she can stop on the other side, or says she doesn't have to do the dishes tomorrow. No rule book says, "You can have a break at 2:30."
So, to avoid feelings of inadequacy, she doesn't take time out. She just keeps pushing. She has just a dozen or more details on her list - but it's a revolving list, and so she's always looking to the future. Tomorrow she'll be done.
Or the next day. Or the next. But, because of the way she's culturally constructed, the truth is, she'll never be done.
She is headed toward burnout and all lights are green!
The recriminations the woman casts upon herself for not "making it" are painful and overwhelming - the anger toward herself for failing, at times unbearable. She views the flaw as residing in herself, not in a quickly evolving culture that is giving her schizophrenic messages about what she should do and be. As a result, she's a prime candidate for high stress, low self-esteem and depression.
So what can a woman do to take charge of her life and to allocate consciously her expenditure of time, energy and resources. Here are recommendations based upon this columnist's new book called "I'm a Day Late and a Dollar Short . . . and It's Okay: A Woman's Survival Guide for the '90s:"
- Slow down - for your sake. If you're like most women, you're going a hundred miles down the track - and you may not even know why or where you're going. Take time to celebrate the temporary and to smell the roses. Too often, says one author, women are "like the gardener who will water and weed but forgets about smelling the roses. Smelling roses is hard to fit into our schedule."
- Recognize that you are a culturally programmed creature but that you have the good sense to open up your life to examination, to set your own priorities, and to use those to guide your expenditure of your self. You can't do it all, or have it all, so decide what's most important to you to accomplish and let the rest go.
- Give up the guilt festivals. As a '90s woman, you need to choose your "shoulds" - what fits with your contemporary life. Instead of saying, "I should," say "This is what I choose to do" and see how it feels. Also eliminate feeling responsible for events that are not within your control, including the feelings and decisions of other people.
- Take better care of yourself. You are your own guardian. No one else can prevent you from wearing yourself down and out. Institute a self-enhancement, repair and maintenance program that includes consistent exercise, sound nutrition, and adequate time to sleep and relax.
As one woman said, "You will take care of yourself gracefully or ungracefully. Choose to take care of that self gracefully."
- Institute this columnist's own motto: "I`m a Day Late and a Dollar Short . . . and It's Okay!" Try to do the best you can, but if you inadvertently make a mistake or miss a step, or simply can't stretch far enough to juggle one more thing, be easy on your self. Remember, for your own emotional and physical well-being in today's frentic world, being "a day late and a dollar short" does need to be okay.
- Dr. Larsen is a therapist practicing in Salt Lake City.