Gloria DeTomaso is doing something she did not do for 35 years.
A year after the death of her husband of 35 years, DeTomaso, 59, is dating.Although she now considers the single life fun and exciting, she admits this wasn't always the case. "At first I was frightened, vulnerable and feeling very insecure," says DeTomaso, a Naples, Fla., psychotherapist.
That comes as no surprise to the many people over 50 who are finding themselves back in the dating scene for the first time since they were youngsters. Things are different now. People are coming together with multifaceted pasts. They have an established set of opinions and values, and they're living in a world that doesn't necessarily hold those same values.
Gloria Bledsoe-Goodman, a Salem, Ore., author, has written a book about the subject: "A Woman's Guide to Prime Time Dating: For the Woman Who Wasn't Born Yesterday."
Bledsoe-Goodman says she was inspired to write a book eight years ago, when she was 52 and divorced after 35 years of marriage. While babysitting a grandchild, Bledsoe-Goodman got a phone call from an attorney asking her out.
"I thought, I'm 52 years old," Bledsoe-Goodman says. "I hadn't had a date since 1948. That's kind of daunting."
So she went to work. She interviewed almost 100 single, mature women from all walks of life. Her book addresses everything from first dates to marriage.
- Finding a date. Bledsoe-Goodman suggests joining an organization whose members share your interests. Political campaigns, for example, give people the opportunity to meet those with similar political philosophies. Community theater, volunteer jobs or civic organizations are other options. "Go out and get interested in things," Bledsoe-Goodman says.
- Singles groups. Singles groups offer another option. Bledsoe-Goodman says she doesn't advocate singles groups because "by walking into a singles club, you almost put a sign on your head, `I am lonely.' " But it has worked for others. Ruth Findeisen, a 60ish woman who has been a widow for eight years, says she looks forward to the Saturday night meetings of Christian Singles of Naples, a Christian group for mature singles where most activities, such as dinner and dances, are done in groups. Some people, however, do eventually pair up.
- First dates. Mature singles often discover dating euphoria isn't limited to the younger set, Bledsoe-Goodman says. Many of the people interviewed reported the same types of jitters, anxieties and excitement that they felt as teenagers. Suddenly, the conversational skills that worked with the former spouse don't work with the new date, Bledsoe-Goodman says.
"When you get ready to go on that first date, you arm yourself with conversation. You're going to be in a car or a dinner table with a person who doesn't really care about what your children are doing."
- Tips for dating. Keep the options open, Bledsoe-Goodman advises. Some people may seek a clone of their mate. Others may want someone who is the opposite. Relax. Be open to all opportunities. Don't worry about class or status. "There's not too many doctors around."
- The "S" word: Mature singles may find the rules have changed since they were in the dating game the first time around.
"When I was a girl, you just didn't have sex," Bledsoe-Goodman says. "If you did, you married the guy. What you're going to find out with an older man these days is most of them feel cheated because they missed out on the sexual revolution. They're going to bully and whine."
She says people must ask themselves why they enter a sexual relationship. If they are doing it for themselves, that's good. But if they are involved solely for the sake of their partner, it's not right. Don't listen to people who use the "you've done it before, so what's the problem?" line.
- Marriage: A man and a woman meet. They fall in love. They get married.
It's not always that easy, especially for mature singles. There may be money, property and investments involved. Children who counted on an inheritance may worry about being usurped by a new spouse.
Bledsoe-Goodman's answer is a prenuptial agreement.
"I don't like them, but you're pretty much going to have to sign one. If there's children involved on either side, you're better off with a prenuptial agreement."
Dating after 50 can be scary. But it can also be exciting. It can open new avenues and help people make the most of their prime-time years. Bledsoe-Goodman calls them the bonus years, the years when people can live for themselves.- The Deseret News welcomes comments from readers on this topic or others pertinent to the Single-minded column. Please address letters to Single-minded, c/o Marianne Funk, Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110; or contact her or the writer of the column at 237-2100.