When parents hear teenage siblings telling each other, "I'm gonna kill you," they probably ought to ask some serious questions about the children's relationship.
"At that point, they need to sit down and find out what's going on," said Bill Marshall, director of child psychiatry at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. "Teenagers that don't think very well tend to emote very well."But it's rare for those emotions to turn into violent actions.
A 15-year-old Sandy girl, Anja White, was shot to death Thursday in her home. Police arrested her 18-year-old brother, Ed White. Friends of Anja White said the two siblings fought continually.
"It's normal for siblings to argue," Marshall said. "Arguing is part of family life. It's the amount of arguing that distinguishes the sick family from the healthy family."
Children may occasionally make homicidal threats to each other but rarely carry out those threats, said Delbert Pearson, psychiatrist and medical director of the child unit at Charter Canyon Hospital in Orem.
Children use those types of phrases because they have limited vocabularies, Marshall said. It's easier than saying, "Let's sit down and work this out."
Marshall said he doesn't allow his own children to make violent threats to each other. "It hurts the relationship," he said.
"If it gets too intense, parents need to make a real effort to communicate, talk and listen," Pearson said.
The reasons children fight change as they age. In fact, sibling rivalry can continue into adult-hood.
Preschoolers and younger children fight over objects and territory, said Gene Mead, a professor of family sciences at Brigham Young University.
They are also more likely to hit or throw things at each other, Marshall said.
"The rule of thumb in family science is to let children fuss with each other, but they can't draw blood," Marshall said. Young children are less likely to hurt each other than are teenagers. They also forgive each other much more quickly than do older children. Even so, "any kind of touching ought to be stopped by the parents," he said.
Psychologists say older children are more apt to fight to preserve their identity and save face.
The nature of their confrontations change also.
"As they grow older, they usually just go to words or just ignore each other," Marshall said.
Verbal altercations can escalate into physical violence and shouldn't be ignored. Parents should be concerned about fighting that is directed at causing the other person physical harm and anger that seems out of control.
"Parents should make efforts to teach children better ways of coping and solving problems so they can carry those skills into adulthood," Mead said.
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Parent hotline
Utah Valley Regional Medical Center offers a toll-free information line for parents who need assistance with child problems. The office is staffed by child development specialists on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Call 1-800-288-8762, Ext. 7557.