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DEAR ABBY: My husband recently quit smoking and has gained a lot of weight. I am proud of him for giving up cigarettes (he was a two-pack-a-day man), but his weight problem worries me. He has always been a very nice dresser and used to look good in his clothes. Now his shirts are stretched around his midsection. He prefers button-down collars that are now uncomfortable, so he has to unbutton them most of the time. This makes him look sloppy. He refuses to buy a larger size because he is "going to lose weight."

If I say anything about his weight or suggest that he buy some clothes that fit him, he becomes defensive and resentful.Would you please make some suggestions for him and the many other men with the same problem? If he could just see himself as others do, he might lose some weight and look nice in his clothes. - FRUSTRATED WIFE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your husband - and "the many other men with the same problem" - are not interested in any advice from Abby. But may I give you some?

How your husband looks in his clothes is not as important as the condition of his health. Tell him you love him and want to grow old with him, and all that extra weight could take years off his life. He needs to see his physician now for a general checkup. You can bet the doctor will put him on a diet. And if your husband keeps putting off a doctor's appointment, ask him if his life insurance policy is up-to-date.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please settle a debate between me and a friend of mine?

When a married male friend of mine dies, should I address any correspondence to his widow as "Mrs. (her first name) Doe?" My friend insists that I still address her as "Mrs. John Doe."

I claim that John Doe is dead and his widow now has her own identity. Therefore, her correspondence should be mailed to Mrs. Jane Doe. - GEORGE DEMIAN

DEAR GEORGE: John's widow should be properly (and legally) addressed as Mrs. John Doe until she dies or remarries.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the question of throwing rice or birdseed at weddings, here is some food for thought: I am the wedding coordinator at our church, and the brides are informed by me at our very first meeting that neither rice nor birdseed is permissible.

You see, both are very dangerous when walked on. I have seen men and women slip and fall, especially when high heels are worn and when smooth leather comes into contact with hard, round seeds and rice.

Most churches cannot afford the lawsuits that could result if someone fell and was seriously hurt. - JOANNE STOGHILL, VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR JOANNE: Thank you for the warning. Another idea - paper confetti is colorful and harmless.

CONFIDENTIAL TO BEA AND MARVIN IN LAKE WORTH, FLA.: Congratulations! You won against all odds; I know that you will never smoke again.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada), to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054. (Postage is included.)