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I BELIEVE . . . THERE ARE BUNCHES OF WORTHWHILE THINGS TO BELIEVE IN

SHARE I BELIEVE . . . THERE ARE BUNCHES OF WORTHWHILE THINGS TO BELIEVE IN

I believe that grudges weigh too much to lug around half your life.

I believe that men are genetically incapable of seeing table-top coasters and that grocery bagboys who put your bread under a 20-pound turkey should be fined.I believe that people who call and make you guess their name should lose their phone privileges, that mothers are happiest when they're worried, and that those plastic packing peanuts that blow around everyone's neighborhood on garbage day should be banned.

I believe there's no excuse that 18 other nations are better than us at bringing babies into the world alive, that what we earn depends on what we learn, and that a suspension of postal rights be given to anyone sending a letter saying you've won $1 million, when all you've really won is the chance to drive three hours to tour a time-share complex.

I believe that parents who see their young girls climbing trees should say "how brave," rather than "be careful," that fathers who abandon their kids are abandoning their souls, and that government services such as trash pick-up be made to compete with private bidders.

I believe that if you spend a week in Africa or even Germany, you'll never take the American phone system for granted again, that the salaries of both CEOs and baseball players should be tied to their year-end statistics and that people who pass you at 80 in the right lane should have their licenses fed to hungry geese.

I believe that when a doctor says a procedure may be just a tad uncomfortable you'd better ask for morphine, that when a pilot says the repair will take five minutes he really means an hour, and that while any 12-year-old male can make a baby, it takes a real man to raise a child.

I believe that if everyone spent a few days taking care of young children without help, they'd see that single parents are heroes, that we should care at least as much about the national debt as Rubbergate, and that husbands who wear old BVDs and V-necked T-shirts to bed have no business telling their wives they should wear negligees instead of flannel nightgowns.

I believe that pregnant women who snort cocaine in the last trimester should be prosecuted, that audiences who shout down speakers like David Duke only prove they're as fascist as those they're protesting and that too many journalists who cover politics care more about bagging a scalp than explaining the issues.

I believe that the next time a TV preacher says you need to send him $1,000 to break a curse on you, you should change to the weather channel, that divorcing couples who get into heated arguments over who gets the linens aren't really arguing over linens and that any woman who stays with an abusive husband because she's sure she can change him is only going to get hit harder the next time.

I believe that any spouse caught putting an empty Oreo box back in the cupboard should be banned from the kitchen for a week, that we can't keep graduating 10 lawyers for every engineer while Japan graduates 10 engineers to every lawyer and that consumers who receive bills with no return envelope enclosed should be absolved of responsibility to pay.

I believe that fathers should not strive to nurture children the same way mothers do, because kids need a mom and a dad, not just a mom, that golf should be reclassified from sport to addiction, and that teenagers who blast heavy metal music over megasize car speakers with the windows open should be forced to listen to 100 straight hours of Barry Manilow.

And finally, one last belief:

That the most meaningful five words any man could hope to hear are these: "Daddy, I'm proud of you."