The campaign is getting ugly as the Big Three take their messages to television. Nothing is off-limits. They will try to get the public's support by destroying reputations and promising the moon. As Bette Midler put it so aptly, "Mud will be flung tonight."
The big three - MCI, Sprint and AT&T - make Clinton, Bush and Perot sound like Larry, Curly and Moe. This year alone, this trio of phone companies will spend $750 million trying to get us to subscribe to their services. It hasn't occurred to any one of the three that advertising less and reducing our phone rates might be the way to go.Whom am I to believe? Do I go with the guy who dials Phoenix and gets Fiji? Do I install a service that offers a 20 percent discount to my friends and family if they sign up? Or do I believe the claims of Murphy Brown, a single mother and underpaid TV personality who has to moonlight to make ends meet?
Frankly, all of this is getting on my nerves. I don't get a lot of phone calls. Our number is unlisted. The only calls I get are those from the phone company - during dinner.
"Are you happy with your phone service?" they chirp.
"I was until now," I reply.
"How would you like a service that guarantees that the longer you talk to your friends - the less it costs?"
"I don't have any friends."
"We'll make them for you."
"I'm eating dinner."
"When is a good time for me to call back?"
"I'll call you. What time do you eat dinner?"
To be this aggressive there has to be a lot of bucks at stake here. I've never known people so driven to have me on the phone all day long.
The truth is, I don't like to use the phone. I don't have a portable phone, a cellular car phone or a credit card. I don't conduct three-way telephone conference calls or call for an update on the soaps. I don't have an answering machine or call-waiting. I don't want to reach out and talk to America, and I never make those calls where I pay 50 cents to express an opinion on whether I'm in favor of waxed or unwaxed dental floss.
The competition among phone companies gives politics a good name. Political hopefuls engage only in digging up past sexual liaisons, illegal arms to the enemy, pot-smoking parties and bad checks. The phone companies hassle your mother.
All this competitiveness has got to end somewhere. It's only a matter of time before one phone company accuses another of hiring Willie Horton to sign you up.