"Your father's a selfish jerk." "Your mother can't handle money." For honesty's sake, divorcing parents often tell their children exactly what a loser the other guy is.
Resist the impulse to demean that ex-spouse, says child psychologist Randy Oster. "Don't vent your anger on your children."Often, children are the long-term losers in divorce. They suffer a double blow if they aren't allowed to respect both parents. Oster is one of several experts to give a workshop about divorce and children. The workshop, "Helping Families in Transition," will be offered to legal and mental health professionals on Friday, June 19, and to the general public at 7 p.m. June 23. For details, call the CPC Olympus View Hospital, 1430 E. 4500 South, Salt Lake City; 272-8000.
Family therapist Rebecca Ryser will discuss the American Bar Association report "Children Held Hostage." From the new research, as well as from what she's observed in her practice, Ryser says programming of children is rampant in divorced families. Programming occurs when one parent tries to control what a child thinks of the other parent.
"Some parents almost want the child to deny the existence of the other parent," she says. "No photos are allowed in the home. The extended family on one side won't speak to the parent on the other side."
Sometimes, she says, the parent who has custody believes custody equals ownership. The custodial parent may dictate all the hows, whens and wheres of the child's relationship with the other parent. "That damages the child."
Ryser would prefer to see divorce courts set up a parenting plan, rather than to "award custody."
Ryser and attorney Denise Olsen believe some parents unconsciously program and would refrain if they knew they were damaging their child's self-esteem.
Olsen will discuss Utah's new parent education and mediation legislation. Research shows a decrease in family conflict and programming of children when parents attend court-ordered divorce education classes.
"Some people actually reconcile after they take the class and learn about the serious effects that divorce can have on children," she says. Olsen says when parents understand divorce from the child's perspective, they are more likely to be financially and emotionally responsible.
Children of divorce need all the breaks they can get. Says Oster, "Research does suggest that parents adjust reasonably well to a divorce. Eventually their lives improve. But kids don't improve from a divorce. Even kids whose parents abuse them are quick to say they want the abuse to stop, but they don't want their parents to get a divorce."
So go easy on the children, experts advise. You can still be honest, Oster says. You can say, "Your father chose not to be married anymore. He's with someone else and that really hurts my feelings." You can say, "Your mother and I don't agree on how to handle money. I'm uncomfortable going into debt."
You can talk about your own feelings without trying to make the child feel the same way.