DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my wife and I visit some of our relatives, we are put off by their prejudices, which border on bigotry.
We know everyone has prejudices, as we do. We have learned to manage and control our own.We want our children to grow up with as few prejudices as possible. We are afraid that upon hearing the comments of our relatives, whom we teach our children to respect, they will adopt their prejudices. Our children are young and do not understand why people act as they do.
Is it right to ask the relatives to refrain from expressing prejudiced and bigoted views and, in some cases, profanity, while we are guests at their home?
We are careful to have our children leave the room if the conversation turns, shall we say, sour. But it seems ridiculous to go through this.
GENTLE READER: Nobody ever said that child-rearing was easy, and Miss Manners would like gently to remind you that the teaching of morality is one of the most complex tasks it involves.
We all begin with simple rules, only to discover that almost any rule can have serious exceptions, or be in conflict with other, equally valid rules.
Take "Respect your elders." Does that mean a child should obey the commands of a strange adult? Or "Don't lie" - does that mean a child can deliver honestly held but deeply wounding opinions to others?
As much as Miss Manners admires your objectives, she does not believe that you can successfully protect your children from hearing repugnant ideas from others. So what do we do with a perplexing situation, in which two moral imperatives are in conflict?
We call it a learning experience. You need to have a talk with your children about the unfortunate prejudices of others, and how one sometimes has to learn to value people for their virtues in spite of their sins. Because bigotry in non-relatives is enough to condemn them, it will be a complicated lesson. A lot of explaining, and a lot of repetition, will be required.
But then nobody ever said . . . Oops. Miss Manners already taught that complicated lesson, didn't she?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 28 years ago, we returned from an overseas assignment. My younger daughter had completed the eighth grade then. Her best friend remained overseas, and they lost track of each other.
About three years ago, quite by accident, she was able to contact her friend, who turned out to be living 150 miles away. Since then, they have corresponded and exchanged pictures.
Last spring, her friend's father died suddenly, and my daughter and I traveled to the funeral. I had known the parents overseas.
The family was overjoyed to see us and asked us to stay after most people had left. They said it was the one bright spot in an otherwise sorrowful day.
My older daughter said it was inappropriate and in poor taste to go to the funeral when we and the parents had not seen one another for so many years. What is your opinion?
GENTLE READER: That you brought up two very different daughters.
One is guided by both compassion and manners, and the other - while claiming that the two virtues were in conflict here, a falsity Miss Manners indignantly rejects - displays neither.
One attends a funeral to show respect for the dead and offer comfort to the living. An ability to do the latter does depend on one's degree of intimacy with the bereaved, but your obvious success here demonstrates that you were properly guided by both your feelings and their reaction. But even strangers to the survivors may show their respect.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand why business letters and thank-you letters must be written on white writing paper, but is it improper to write a personal letter on "cute" stationery?
I have several different kinds of paper and write numerous personal letters every week.
GENTLE READER: Writing personal letters to people who have the same sense of cute as you do is exactly the purpose for which cute writing paper was invented - that and doing shopping lists on the back of it.
Just make sure the cuteness isn't in conflict with the body of the letter.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sister-in-law and a mother-in-law who are never on time with family birthdays. They are always two weeks late or more, and the presents are seldom wrapped.
Should we overlook it, as we have been doing for the past 10 years, or what?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes that "or what" would mean letting out 10 years' worth of grudge, very likely to no purpose. She believes it preferable to teach yourself to consider that these presents are 50 weeks early.
Judith Martin's "Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" (Atheneum) is available for etiquette emergency consultation.
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.