My fellow citizens:
We are faced with an impending crisis of unfathomable magnitude.I should have brought this to your attention earlier, but between all the inauguration hoopla and dusting off my old Fleetwood Mac albums, it slipped my mind.
But make no mistake, our straits are real and dire.
There is every possibility the Dallas Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl.
I can see the fear on your face, hear the trembling in your voice. It is with good cause.
If the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl, this nation will be plunged again into Texas-ness. Big hats. Big hair. Big heels on big cowboy boots. Big trouble.
To quote from President Clinton's inaugural address:
"Americans deserve better."
I remind you what happened the last time the Dallas Cowboys became "America's Team."
The Cowboys won five NFC championships and two Super Bowls from 1971 to 1979, and the nation embraced them.
Their players were the stars of NFL Films. Their cheerleaders were featured in what was then the highest-rated made-for-TV movie in history. Novels were written about them.
When the Cowboys' run started, Richard Nixon was in the White House. By the time it ended, John Travolta was starring in "Urban Cowboy." Along the way, there were leisure suits, disco music, Vietnam and Watergate.
I am telling you right now that if the Cowboys win the Super Bowl and it sparks another John Travolta country dancing movie, we might just as well give this country back to the coyotes and all move to a place where they know nothing about the NFL, like Sweden or New England.
If the Cowboys beat the Bills, you're going to see another avalanche of Texas chic.
Women will start wearing jewels on the rims of their eyeglasses. High-styled denim jackets will sweep the fashion world. Julia Child will go on PBS with a chicken-fried steak recipe. The armadillo will replace the Vietnamese pot-bellied pig as a trendy new pet.
"Dallas" will return to CBS with Jay Novacek starring as J.R. Ewing. Morgan Fairchild is going to get all the movie roles that now go Meryl Streep.
Men across the country will adopt the Jimmy Johnson hairdo, lacquered to withstand a nuclear winter. The most-popular names for little boys will be Troy and Emmitt.
Charles Kuralt will do "On the Road" reports from places like Weesatche, Leroy and Ben Hur. The Texas State Fairgrounds will be designated a national landmark.
Texas will become a prime vacation destination for people who can't afford to go to Hawaii but still want a warm-weather locale where people speak a form of English.
This is not just random Texas-bashing. I've done my research. I've eaten sushi at Larry Hagman's house.
This is sweet revenge for Texans, who haven't had much to brag about in the sporting world for a good long time.
San Antonio and Houston are decent NBA teams, nothing more. The Dallas Mavericks are flirting with the record for pro basketball futility.
The Houston Oilers, the other NFL team in Texas, came up with the biggest gag job in football history against Buffalo.
Neither the Texas Rangers nor the Houston Astros show much promise of rising up from baseball mediocrity.
The past three Cotton Bowls have resulted in Texas and Texas A&M being outscored by the slender combined margin of 84-8.
But here come the Cowboys again, with the temerity to boldly rebuild from the ruins of a 1-15 season in 1989 and construct a team with the most-solid young talent base in all of football.
There is one small bright note in all of this. On Jan. 31, while the Cowboys are winning the Super Bowl, all the Texans in this state will be glued to the television.
Which means they won't be on the ski slopes.