These are busy days for Mr. Know-It-All. NAFTA discussions with Bill Clinton, health-care power lunches with Hillary, finding a real job for Jesse Jackson, you name it, Mr. K is there. Keeping his fingers on the pulse of the nation, he dropped into town for Saturday's Utah-BYU football game in Provo, and he's here in our studio to answer your questions.
The lines are open. We go to LaMerle in Panguitch. Hello . . .Caller: Welcome back, Mr. K. I have one quick question, and then I'll hang up and listen to the answer. Both Utah and BYU are only one game better than .500, so aren't they out of the bowl picture? What will we do for Family Night in late December!?
Mr. K: Calm yourself. There are almost enough bowls to go around for everybody, and all has been forgiven the Cougs and Utes, including their mid-season funks. BYU has several bowl possibilities, if only because of its fan following (can you spell m-o-n-e-y?). Ron McBride's buddies at the Copper Bowl have been in touch with him, and have put the Utes back on their Christmas shopping list. All they have to do is beat BYU. That's all.
Caller: Mr. K, who do you think will win on Saturday?
Mr. K: Look at it this way. BYU has lost to Utah only twice in LaVell Edwards' 21 years as coach, in 1978 and 1988. According to my best calculations, Utah's next win isn't due until 1998 - in Salt Lake City. Utah's next win in Provo isn't due until some time in the next century.
Caller: Speaking of LaVell Edwards, how come BYU fans wanted to be rid of him this season? Geez, before he came along the Cougars were 22 guys in ties who turned the other cheek.
Mr. K: According to a recent scientific study, BYU fans suffered a month-long collective case of amnesia and high anxiety, caused by inhaling the muck from Geneva Steel Mills. Fortunately, Edwards has skin about as thick as asphalt.
Caller: First, I'd like to congratulate Coach Edwards on the win, BUT how come we don't start Tom Young at quarterback and why don't we use the wishbone and when are we going to join the . . . ?
Mr. K: I think you've got the wrong show, pal.
Caller: Is it true that the Utes have had some problems in their secondary? The fact that they've lost eight defensive backs to injuries and replaced them with a quarterback, a tailback, a football office secretary and a stadium usher. Ute coaches taught their secondary pass coverages this week as if it was still spring practice and not late November. BYU quarterback John Walsh has been doing cartwheels while watching video of Utah's secondary giving up 24 touchdown passes in 11 games.
My sources tell me that Mark Swanson and Ernest Boyd - two of the Injured Eight - practiced on a limited basis this week and may play Saturday, but who knows how long they'll last. The Utes have put in a call to Kelly Girls just in case.
Caller: Hey, BYU's secondary hasn't exactly been the Berlin Wall back there. Where'd you go to school, Provo?
Mr. K: Steady there, fella. You're right. BYU's defensive backs have looked like tourists running with the bulls in Pamplona. They can't stop the stampede to the end zone. They've given up 23 touchdown passes in 9 games and intercepted just 3 of the 269 passes that have been thrown their way. Flip, you'd think they would ACCIDENTALLY intercept more passes than that.
Caller: Aren't you a little worried about the cheerleaders on Saturday?
Mr. K: Yes, I am. If they try to do a pushup after every score for each point on the scoreboard, they could die. Look at the average scores this season: BYU 34.7, Opponents 39.7; Utah, 30.5, Opponents 30.6. During the last five games Utah cheerleaders have had to do an average of more than 170 pushups. Is this college football or the Jane Fonda workout?
Everything points to points on Saturday. Terrific offense, horrific defense. BYU and Utah rank among the country's top 10 offenses and bottom 15 defenses. BYU has allowed an AVERAGE of 52.6 points per game the last five games.
Caller: I'm a Utah fan, but I want to go to the game on Saturday. Any advice.
Mr. K: Get there early, which in Provo means anytime right up to and even after the opening kickoff. Most BYU fans have never seen a complete first quarter. If you're worried about blending in, leave the red Ralph Lauren sweater in the closet, wear a Walk-Man and bring a sack lunch.
Caller: What do you look forward to most about Saturday's game?
Mr. K.: Aside from listening to LaVell Edwards eat a hoagie on the post-game call-in show, I'd have to say the play of the two quarterbacks. Both are red-hot at the moment. In the latest national rankings, Utah's Mike McCoy and BYU's John Walsh rank second and fourth, respectively, in total offense, and 17th and fifth in pass efficiency. And they're going up against two shell-shocked secondaries. Also, it will be humorous to watch anyone trying to solo tackle Jamal Anderson, Utah's Here's-the-Beef, 244-pound fullback.
Then there are the receivers. Tyler Anderson has amazing speed and everyone knows about Bryan Rowley, but watch out for Deron Clairborne, the best secret in the league.
Caller: Do you think BYU fans will treat the Utes the way Utah fans treated the Cougars last year in Rice Stadium?
Mr. K: Certainly not. No way. Unless there's snow.
Caller: What do you think the worst repercussions of a BYU loss would be.
Mr. K: The call-in show.
Caller: What does it mean if a coach says that his offense complements the defense and visa versa?
Mr. K: Well, for instance, the offensive players might say to the defensive players as they pass each other on the field, "Hey, nice going. We appreciate the 30-second rest you just gave us." And the defensive players will say, "Nice touchdown, but take your time this time."
Caller: What's the Red Zone? I say it's a communist outpost, my wife says it's the hole in the O-Zone and my cousin says it's the section of the gridiron inside the 20-yard lines.
Mr. K: None of the above. It's where they seat Ute fans in Cougar Stadium.
Caller: How about a score.
Mr. K: No sweat. 58-41. Enjoy the game. And try to get along this time, OK?