THE FIRST SIGNS of spring have arrived. No, I'm not talking about crocuses or bluebirds. I'm talking about baseball. No, I'm not even talking about baseball. I'm talking about baseball coaches.
I grew up with baseball coaches, and I have had four sons go through a variety of baseball programs - in the community and in the schools.Even though the incredible walls of snow are yet to disappear, the coaches are back. They're thinking and planning for the spring season, and they're telling the parents what to expect - and they're doing it with that trademark machismo.
"We'd like to thank the mothers for preparing this food - it was great! Go back for seconds if you'd like. Especially you boys. But sit down pretty soon, cause we're ready to start. We need to talk about some things. I want to introduce the other coaches and things. They're great. They help me a lot. All I have to do is walk around now. The kids wonder what I'm doing and stuff.
"Now first let's understand a few things. I've passed around the game schedule. That's where we start, but schedules are made to be broken. Don't blame me if the weather fouls us up.
"Now, if your kids' grades don't stay up, they're outta here. I'm very strict about that. We had a kid come to play his senior year. He was excited about second base. Then his grades came in and he didn't make 2.0, and his season was over.
"That's the way it is. If your grades don't make it - even if it's my own kid - his season is over. 2.0 is not that hard to get."
"There will be no smoking, no drinking, no drugs - if I see any of that, that kid's season will be over. There'll be no practices, no games, nothing. I follow the school district rules absolutely.
"Robert, get rid of that goatee by Friday. Nobody plays with a goatee. That's the way we do it. That's just personal with me. When we play, we play with good hair, and we look neat.
"We're gonna play the best teams. We're gonna play Tay-lors-ville, and we're gonna play Mountain View. But there's one team we're not gonna play, and I'm not gonna tell you which one. Don't ask me why. It's personal.
"Now, you should understand that sometimes I yell. If a pitcher throws an 0 and 2 and then puts the third one right in the strike zone, I'm gonna yell. I will yell at a pitcher.
"But I want you to know I love these kids. We're gonna go down south to play a couple of teams next week, and we're staying in a motel. Some of you parents may want to come, and that's OK - but you'll never see your kid!
"I'm taking care of them. We have fun. We eat a lot and play hard. By the time the season is over, we'll all be surprised at how much progress they've made. We do need some things. We need to sell some more hats and things, so we can get enough money to buy a toilet.
"No, really! I'm serious. We need that, and we don't get a lot of money. I do the best I can. This guy from the district signed the OK for us to get a toilet. The only reason I know we're gonna get it is that I have his signature.
"I need you to make out the checks for the stuff on the list. If we don't get that check by Friday, there's no season for your kid. Don't give it to me. Give it to the office. Then you moms can get your T-shirts with your kid's number on it."
As we walked out of the building into the cold night, winter's grip was hanging on. But I'm happy now, because spring is coming.
I know that because the coaches are back.