Dear Miss Manners: When I recently attended a memorial service for a man who had died of AIDS at the age of 22, I was reminded that for at least a year, I had been aware that he was very ill, but I had said nothing to him about it.
We were fellow employees in an artistic organization, where I had admired him, but our respective circles of close associates were quite different. I am a member of the orchestra, and he was a part of management.On one occasion, in response to a question about hospitalization benefits, he informed me over the phone that he had recently been hospitalized for pneumonia. I did not ask him any personal questions, because I didn't know what to say. On another occasion, when he seemed emotionally available, I had a strong impulse to ask how he felt and to let him know I was in his corner in his struggle for health, but again I lacked the words.
At no time did he inform me he was terminally ill.
What is the proper position to assume, in such a relationship, when the terrible reality of someone's impending death is apparent? Must the party who is ill always be the first to speak of it, especially when social stigma is attached to the illness?
I deeply regret the death of this young man, and I regret that my real expression of feeling was reserved for an event after his death. My wife and I have no clear idea of how to behave in such circumstances.
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is gratified to hear that you and your wife have no idea what these circumstances require, not only because this means you are blessed with health, but because it means that you are blessed with humility.
You recognize, as not everyone does, that you cannot presume to know the feelings of someone faced with imminent death. This is particularly true because there is no general rule about how people handle this. Some appreciate overt sympathy and the opportunity to discuss their fate; others prefer to carry on their normal lives in regard to non-intimates, and find expressions of sympathy and ques-tions about their condition to be intrusive.
That is why you must always allow the ill person to take the lead.
But this gentleman did take the lead. In telling you of his illness, he opened the conversation to expressions of concern and support on your part. Isn't that how kind people respond to any confession of illness? The error you committed, which is understandable but regrettable, was not to follow his confidence with sympathy about what he had told you.
This does not mean that you had license to probe the matter further. The fact that he did not mention he had AIDS did not give you the liberty to inquire; but it is certainly possible that he might have mentioned it, had you responded to his first confidence by expressing concern about his pneumonia.
And by the way, these rules apply to any health problems. Polite people do not acknowledge that there is a social stigma attached to the misfortune of illness.
Dear Miss Manners: After three years, my boyfriend popped the question. I was thrilled; my future mother-in-law was not. When we told her the news, she made a point of telling us that she doesn't believe in marriage. Since then, she has said nothing about the wedding.
She has been increasingly bitter in the three years since her second divorce, and has been treating many people poorly - not just me.
She and I have never been soulmates, but I have always made a point of being civil to her. I get along well with my future father-in-law and his wife.
I am worried not only about the wedding day but about the marriage itself. My betrothed feels loyalty to the woman because she is his mother, but her treatment of both him and me angers him.
Gentle Reader: Well, it angers Miss Manners, too, that someone who certainly believed in marriage enough to try it for herself twice would deny to others the possibility of trying it also, with a commitment to succeeding.
However, your fiance is quite right to moderate his anger with the loyalty required of a son. Even Miss Manners, who isn't related to the lady, moderates hers on the grounds that a person turned bitter by unhappiness should not be imitated by those more fortunate.
You would be doing a service to your future husband, your future mother-in-law and your present Miss Manners by making an extra effort to respond to ungraciousness with soothing kindness. In expressing sympathy about the way marriage failed this lady, you could assure her that you feel your luck will be better because you have the great good fortune to be marrying someone who had the advantage of being her son.
Question: Should one tip the captain after being seated in a restaurant? I have done this at times, and at other times have not. In both instances, I felt it was not quite correct.
Gentle Reader: What does this tell us about judging the correct thing to do by feel? Thus, we have rules.
The captain is not tipped merely for showing customers to their seats (unless you enjoy the game of bribing supercilious people to do their duty, a concept with which Miss Manners wants nothing to do). If the captain performs a special service, such as dislodging stuck oysters from your throat, you should tip him handsomely.
Are you unsure about tipping? Miss Manners' pamphlet, "On Tipping," explains who should be tipped and how much. Send $1.50, plus a long self-addressed stamped envelope, to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper, P.O. Box 91428, Cleveland, OH 44101-3428.
United Feature Syndicate Inc.