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ARE COLUMNISTS CRAZY TO TALK TO THEMSELVES?

SHARE ARE COLUMNISTS CRAZY TO TALK TO THEMSELVES?

Do you ever talk to yourself? That means you're going crazy, you know. Or is it just a healthy catharsis without the aid of a psychiatrist?

I do it all the time. Like this morning:"Good grief! It's time to get up already? Seems like I just got to sleep. Wow - I'm going to feel crummy all day!

"How long has that cat been on the bed? Hmmmm. Wonder what the weather's like? Guess I'll flip on the news. Boy, I hate the way CBS and KSL bounce back and forth to each other. You think you've got the national news, then zippo.

"Back to CNN. Or maybe some headline news on the other channel. What I need is ear phones in the shower.

"Hope I can beat the kids to the hot water. Did I iron something to wear last night? Oh, yeah, the wild blue shirt with the flowers and the white pants. That should get a good reaction at the paper.

"Don't dare look in the mirror. Hey, did I sleep on my face or is that a new wrinkle next to my mouth? Maybe I cut myself shaving and didn't realize it. Speaking of shaver - the stupid thing is still making those crackling sounds - and I've had it repaired twice!

"Well, into the shower. Ahhhhh. Is that hot water something? Ahhhhh. My wiiiild, Irish rose, the sweetest flower that grows. Better stop singing and get out or I'll miss breakfast. Why is it no one can invent a cereal with a decent taste? The only tasty things for breakfast are lousy for your arteries.

"Oh, better see if our competitor's newspaper is at the door. Yeah, it's here all right. They put that on the front page? Up to them I guess. Wow, paper sure is skinny without the ads.

"Waffle day! Yes! Nothing like homemade waffles. Whoops - forgot the garbage. Just make a quick trip through the house - and race those big black containers out to the curb before I get stuck with this stuff for another week. Whew, that was close.

"Not a bad day - a little hazy. Maybe it'll burn off. No, that's what I used to say in the East.

"What am I gonna write about today? Maybe a column on barbers - they seem to be disappearing. No, already did that. What could I make fun of today? I think I'll write my own romance novel. Short enough for a column.

"Can't believe it - Foothill is clogged again. What is it - does the U. have 5,000 more students this quarter? I'll just drop down to 2100 South.

"Parking garage as dingy as ever. Wonder what level I'll end up on today. Nothing here. Just keep going up. How high does it go? Number nine? Oh, well, it'll make great stair-climbing aerobics when I come back to the car. If I can remember what level I'm on.

"Nine. Nine. Nine. Say it one more time. Nine. I wonder how many muggings occur in this place. Nine.

"Whoops - where is my secura-key card? Only way I can get into the paper. Just fumble around in my case - there it is. Thought I forgot it for sure that time.

"Just check my messages for a minute. Some people hate computer messages. I love them. Staffers who write them are more creative than they are in the paper. Whoops. Somebody angry over a column. So what else is new?

"Isn't it time to eat yet? I'm starved. A bagel would be good. But only with a little bit of cheese. OK, got to get the creative juices going. Almost forgot to turn my wastebasket over before someone fills it up with banana peels.

"Now - time for some deep thinking. Oh, oh - I'm talking to myself again. Gotta watch that. People who talk to themselves are crazy."