Some things in life are impossible. Like attempting to describe Alan Schoenberger's "Ski Bum: Piano Roll" performance in 20 words or less.

But let me try.Incredible. Hilarious. Mesmerizing. Impish. Ethereal. Stunning. Zany. Beautiful. Adventurous. Different. Goofy. Athletic. Graceful. Imaginative. Comedic. Creative. Loony. Wholesome. Delightful. Unbelievable.

Gee, could I squeeze in "genius," too . . . and "magical"?

This guy is not merely a mime.

He's a mime who skis like a champion (with earned-in-Utah awards to prove it). He can even play the kazoo and ride a unicycle . . . at the same time.

Mime, I've learned, is a lot like burlesque. Every little movement really does have a meaning all its own. All those pratfalls and silly sight gags are cleverly designed to make the audience believe the performer is uncoordinated.

Like Schoenberger's playful little grin, just when you're worried that he injured himself taking a spill.

Or when he's slip-sliding his way through a routine, then inserts some sensational indoor "hot-dog" skiing, or displays his lithe and agile expertise at ballet-on-skis.

When he comes schussing down his specially built indoor ski run on not one, not two, but three skis, you have this irresistible urge to fire off a fax to the "How Did They Do That?" television series.

OK, Schoenberger is not perfect. There are some pitfalls mixed in with the pratfalls. As a photographer, he's a disaster. (Trust me - do not bring your treasured $500 Nikon to this show.)

The centerpiece of the production is what Schoenberger calls an "incline plane slip stage." What this is, basically, is a portable, indoor ski hill. The mountain's angle and speed are instantly changeable so that he can be skiing on a "bunny hill" one moment, then be on the verge of cardiac arrest because of its treacherously steep incline the next.

At the base of this mountain is a 22-foot piano keyboard. Most of Schoenberger's routines are accompanied by jaunty Scott Joplin tunes, and the keys on this larger-than-life piano move to the music.

There are hundreds of comedians out there who want you to think their acts are "one of a kind."

Alan Schoenberger's truly is.

And while this looks like a one-man show, it definitely is not. At the end of the performance, Schoenberger brings his backstage crew to the front of the stage where the three of them share the well-deserved applause.

If this show has one drawback, it's the unfortunately short three-night run (which - as you are reading this - is one down, two to go). There's not nearly enough time for word-of-mouth to spread.

- Sensitivity rating: No complaints about profanity with this show. It's all mime. Schoenberger is speechless. And it's also squeaky clean. Bring the kids. They'll love it.