Dear Miss Manners: I am a 46-year-old woman who has been celibate for about 10 years, and I prefer it that way. My problem is a man in my apartment building who has indicated a sexual interest in me time and time again, and will not give up.
I stopped talking to him some time ago, but this does not deter him. He now makes nonverbal advances whenever I encounter him.You can imagine how upsetting this has become, since he is a neighbor and I cannot avoid running into him when I come in and out of my building, or on the street. How would you handle the situation?
Gentle Reader: Not, you may be sure, as if he were a lovesick swain whose only mistake was to be smitten by a lady who has renounced romance.
It is astonishing to Miss Manners that in a world where etiquette is so seldom practiced, faith nevertheless remains that it can disarm criminal intent. The proper division of labor is that etiquette handles problems that are benignly annoying - and heaven knows there are enough of those - while the law handles dangerous threats, such as stalking and assault.
But here you are, employing the social technique of offering an excuse, your celibacy, as if these attentions were merely unwanted, rather than indecent.
The confusion arises, Miss Manners realizes, from modern ignorance about proper courtship manners. Having abandoned the traditional safeguards and standards under the plea that it would be more fun to be open to all suggestions from all people, ladies no longer seem to be able to make a clear distinction between suitors (whether they are to be welcomed or rejected) and criminals.
Here's how you tell:
Suitors do not make sexual advances to strangers; they make social advances. And they do so knowing that they are defying convention, and therefore take precautions to appear harmless. Opening a blameless neighborly conversation about weather or mail delivery is one way, and finding someone to perform an introduction is another.
(Note to those who are now sneering that the mere notion of requiring an introduction to meet someone is ridiculously stuffy: An introduction means that at least one person you trust is willing to vouch for the new person. You wouldn't hire an employee without a reference.)
Suitors are also properly - if bitterly or pathetically - discouraged when they are snubbed, at which point even the dimmest among them understands that the courtship has been vetoed. However reluctantly, they do accept the premise that a courtship cannot proceed without the lady's consent.
And suitors do not make nonverbal advances (Miss Manners presumes you are not talking about a neighborly wave from down the hall) without fairly substantial evidence that such will be welcome.
Glad as she is to clear up this etiquette confusion, Miss Manners insists that you turn over this problem to the police, or at least to the building guards or supervisors.
Dear Miss Manners: My granddaughter loves the sterling silver tea service that I have passed on to one of my sons, but he insists that due to the initial, it should be passed to his son instead of his daughter.
I proceeded to distribute some of these treasures while the grandchildren were young - and not all born - trusting my sons' good judgment and am now starting to have regrets.
Based solely on the initial as the deciding factor on my son's part, I disagree. But if your answer is mandatory due to the initial, I shall gracefully acquiesce.
Gentle Reader: Although you have already started distributing your possessions, Miss Manners is afraid that your job of rearing your sons properly has not been completed. There is essential work yet to be done.
She would be happy to help you with the etiquette angle.
However, you might begin with explaining your underlying intent in passing on your property - to have it go down in the family, to those who appreciate it.
Probably you want things to go to all the grandchildren, regardless of gender. But if he tries to cite tradition, you might point out that it was girls, not boys, who tended to be left such household items as silver. (Stop there, because the rest of this argument is going to lead to disaster. The boys got the property and the money.)
In any case, the argument about the initial is totally bogus, even aside from the possibility that your granddaughter will keep her maiden name or has a one in 26 (maybe better) chance of marrying someone with the same initial.
Having silver with the initials of one's ancestors shows that one is part of a family tradition, and delicately suggests that one has inherited one's silver, rather than merely bought it. Surely you would like to think that long after you are gone, the new owner will be prompted by those who notice your initial to say proudly, "Why, yes, this was my grandmother's tea service."
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.