While Huaying Huai awaits the joys of motherhood, Stacie Parker tries to forget the pain.
Huai anticipates the birth of her first child in June. She doesn't have any concrete plans for him (she knows the baby is a boy from an ultrasound), though she hopes he will be a good person."We want to direct him in the right way," Huai said. "I'll try to educate him and give him the right direction in his life."
Huai looks forward to holding her little one, getting to know him.
Parker wonders how the soft baby she once cuddled and rocked developed such a tough exterior.
"I think back to when he was a baby, and never in a million years did I think my son would get so hard," Parker said.
Her vision of motherhood has changed. Her expectations of her children are different.
Instead of hoping for his fortune and fame, she prays he'll stay alive, avoid jail and complete high-school requirements with an equivalency degree some day. It hurts her to think that her son could be hurt, but it hurts her more to think he'd hurt other people.
Huai hasn't thought much about letting go of her son, only of holding him. She jokes that maybe he'll be a professional basketball player and take her to the games. She worries about sickness and wonders how many T-shirts and diapers he'll need.
Parker has let go of her son, for the most part, and accepts the fact that he'll do things she'd rather not know about. She works hard to penetrate the wall he's built around himself and tries to keep the lines of communication open.
"Youth corrections is raising my son," she said. "He lives here, but they call the shots."
She spends time running a community organization that reaches out to parents in similar situations and tries not to blame herself for her son's mistakes.
"I still have days I do blame myself," she said. "I feel really bad about the things he's done. I blamed myself a lot . . . that's been a real hurdle to get over for me."
She wonders if it was her divorce when her son was just a toddler that made him bury his feelings. She wonders if trying to make up for life's tragedies made her too soft on him. She thinks about the people whom he's hurt and hurts for them. She wishes he would let the world see what a loving person he really is.
Huai is excited to be a mother and hopes she's up to the challenges. Her modest expectations for her child are that he will be healthy and happy. She even took up drinking milk to help get a jump on that healthy life. At first, she had to hold her breath to get it down, but now she's getting used to it. Like other mothers, Huai has found the small sacrifices and lifestyle changes have already begun.
Parker knows about those changes. Her son's decision to become a gang member has affected her marriage and her other son.
"When he makes a decision, he makes it for the entire family," Parker said. Motherhood hasn't been what she thought it might be when she was anticipating the first moments with her son. She still has hopes and dreams, but they're tempered with the reality that she has little or no control.
"I won't ever give up," Parker said. "I want him to have a decent, respectful life. It's no longer my call; it's his."
Despite the pain, Parker said she doesn't regret becoming a mother.
"Kids should take a good look at their mothers . . . you only have one mom," Parker said. "No one can ever fill her shoes and no one will ever love you like your mom."