It is said that the single most important factor in the social development of young children is that they feel safe - at home, at school and in their communities - so that they learn, early on, to trust. So that they become, in turn, trust-worthy.
Yet for too many children - and increasing numbers of adults - the world is a very scary place."Until we make our communities safe places for all children, no child will be truly safe," says Fred Jealous, founder of Monterey County (Calif.) Men's Alternatives to Violence and a nationally recognized expert on men's issues.
"We have to stop giving young boys the message that violence is normal. We have to teach them they don't have to be either a bully or a victim. They don't have to beat or be beaten."
A founding member of the local chapter of the National Coalition Building Institute and a facilitator for the Institute on the Healing of Racism, Jealous has been a teacher, workshop leader and consultant on men's issues for the past 12 years.
"I got into this work because the cry for justice that came from the women's movement made a lot of sense to me. I realized women need men to work with other men to end violence in the home."
In recent years, he said, his efforts have focused on prevention more than rehabilitation, with "Breakthrough: A Community Workshop for Men," a program he developed to help men deal with issues of self-esteem, boyhood trauma, parenting and other relationships.
"I prefer to work with small groups of six to eight," he said, "but the demand has gotten so great, I'm booked six months in advance with a waiting list. I get 10 to 15 times as many calls as I can handle."
The demand is indicative of the far-reaching impact that boyhood trauma has on adult lives, he said.
"Men learn to value themselves as performers, rather than nurturers. Often in their 30s, they realize they've done everything they were supposed to do, yet their sense of self is not real strong," he said. "They need to learn to look at who they really are as opposed to a role they feel the need to play."
Physical violence, said Jealous, is the extreme result "of men's need to control. All women know other, less extreme examples of what it's like to be controlled by men, like from fear of financial loss or fear of a man's anger."
Controllers "are victimized as boys," he said. "They learn to shut down their feelings and never express love or fear or a need for help. They learn they'd better do something outstanding if they want to be noticed."
The ages between 7 and 12, he said, "are a very important time for boys as far as identity, performance, relationships and sexuality. It's also a time when they're profoundly misunderstood."
Anger and rebellion during adolescence, he said, "is often more about fear. Punishing the bully is not a solution. Whether they are bullies or being bullied, children are terrified."
Jealous, the father of two grown children, recalled doing a workshop with fifth-grade boys. "They were just children, but they were scared to death."