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THOUGHTS AT LARGE: I know you're mad at Nancy and Ron about your childhood, Patti, which is one reason you posed for Playboy. And no doubt they weren't great parents. But please, you're 41; get over it already.

- Why do models have such surly, pouty, sneering expressions on their faces when they're walking down the runway?- Don't you love the smell of new cars?

- And fresh sheets?

- Since Paula Jones keeps insisting she's only filing her sex harassment suit against President Clinton to clear her name, it raises the question of how her name got besmirched? A few months ago, a little-read right-wing publication quoted an Arkansas state trooper saying Clinton had a tryst with a woman named "Paula." Just "Paula." Of course, almost none of the few people who read the story had any clue who "Paula" was, until she herself went public, thereby singlehandedly informing 250 million Americans. Which reminds me of the time a few years ago when a U.S. senator was named one of the 10 dumbest people in Congress by an obscure publication that almost nobody read. But instead of ignoring it, he confirmed the accusation by calling a nationally televised press conference to deny he was any such thing.

- Speaking of Jones, she sure proved the nobility of her motives by signing a $50,000-plus contract with "No Excuses" jeans, didn't she?

- When will I learn that when unloading groceries from the car, it's not worth grabbing all four bags at once, because two trips is always quicker than having to clean up the bag that tears free and smashes onto the driveway?

- Having been to three high school graduations this spring, and watched how the classes react as each student walks onstage to get his diploma, I've got a central truth of the `90s figured out. The boys with the earrings get the loudest applause.

- I don't know about you, but I'm tired of worrying about fat grams.

- Best line I've heard this week: "Hunting won't be a real sport until they give rifles to the deer."

- You know as a parent that you've given up fighting the "I'm-Going-To-Feed-These-Kids-Good-Nutrition-Whether-They-Like-ItOr-Not Battle" when you order a pizza, tell them your address, and the clerk recognizes you from two nights before. And two nights before that, and . . .

- I miss Fizzies. (If you have to ask, you wouldn't care anyway.)

- They should have detox clinics for addicted channel surfers.

- The potential O.J. Simpson witness who supposedly saw his white Bronco near his ex-wife's house that night but destroyed her courtroom credibility by selling her story for tens of thousands to tabloid TV redefines the phrase, "low form of vegetable life."

- There's an emerging charge that the Simpson case is another example of white America instantly presuming a black man must be guilty. Maybe. But then why is it that during Simpson's famous getaway chase, the majority of cheering onlookers, some holding signs saying "Go Juice," were white?

- And finally: I'm a little tired of seeing men who kill wives and girlfriends described as having loved them too much. It's got nothing to do with love; what it's about is ownership. And jealousy. Mostly, it's about the kind of cowardice basic to any bully who beats or kills someone weaker. The secret about batterers is that almost none would have the guts to go after someone their own strength and size. When a spurned man murders a female companion, my guess is that the only love he feels is for his own warped ego.