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GAME OF INTERPRETING ADS IS A KEY PART OF DATING GAME

SHARE GAME OF INTERPRETING ADS IS A KEY PART OF DATING GAME

It's a good thing I'm too old for the dating game because when I read newspaper ads for people seeking partners, I don't have a clue what they're talking about.

I read one the other day from a man seeking a woman that read: "Ineligible bachelor, impaired but affirmative, DBM, 1950 Pisces, whose friends say, `I just knew you'd understand,' seeks intelligent, tall, zaftig lady who relishes her decollete."The last part I get. The rest of it is a foreign language. I know what "quality time" is for children, where you play one-on-one basketball in the back yard or read to them aloud. But what's quality time mean to a man who wants to share it with a 35-plus years young SPF who knows her self?

When my sister and I were teenagers, my mother used to threaten to advertise in the Yellow Pages if we didn't get our noses out of books and get out of the house. She stopped short of putting us in a cardboard box in the front yard with a sign, "Free kitten with every daughter."

The woman was a prophet. Who would have guessed that advertising for a mate would be the trend of the '90s?

In reading these ads, I often wonder what mine would have read. "Anxious mother eager for daughter to meet unattached male with SP (Steady Pulse). Forming coherent sentences a priority. Will not appear in a bathing suit until relationship/marriage is 5 years old. SM (Supportive Mother) and UDC (Use of Dad's Car)."

What amazes me about these ads is how explicit the shoppers are about what they're looking for. They don't want a person who smokes, who isn't financially secure, who is short or who hates hockey. He or she must be romantic, sensitive, adventuresome and like to dance.

Yet the majority of marriages today are couples whose partners have not one characteristic they thought they couldn't live without.

Since I am basically quiet, one of my prerequisites for a husband was one who was outgoing. I married a man who sits around like he has lips shot with Novocain. I told myself he was "deep." He's not deep. He just doesn't talk.

Last week we celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary. He said, "Happy anniversary." I said, "Thank you."

Frankly, I don't think anyone would answer our ads.