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UPCOMING SIMPSON TRIAL RAISES SOME REALLY JUICY QUESTIONS

Ever since I returned from vacation I have been trying to catch up with my mail concerning the O.J. Simpson trial. It is overwhelming, and the only way I can handle it is to answer the queries in my column.

Q: I plan to watch the Simpson trial on TV in its entirety. What should I wear?A: For men, a blazer, dark gray pants and an Oxford shirt with a tie in the USC colors would be apropos. For women, a simple Givenchy cocktail dress with pearls would be suitable for the occasion.

Q: I work for the post office and enjoy my job. At the same time I am anxious to watch the O.J. drama. How many sick days am I entitled to before they dock my pay?

A: You can take up to 10 days for watching the trial. Don't waste them on jury selection. Wait until the prosecution calls its first witness.

Q: My family intended to watch the trial together, but my brother-in-law and I differ on what happened that night. I maintain the DNA results indicate that the Bronco O.J. was riding in was manufactured in Mexico, and he says that it was made in Hong Kong. Who is correct?

A: I'm not sure where the vehicle came from, but the defense team now maintains that another Bronco was parked behind a grassy knoll with two men in it, one of whom looked like Fidel Castro.

Q: What will happen if U.S. troops invade Haiti while the trial is in progress?

A: The trial will not be interrupted by any of the networks or CNN. But QVC, the shopping channel, has been asked by the administration to carry the invasion live.

Q: I have read so much on O.J. Simpson that I am not sure I can give him a fair trial. Should I still watch it on TV?

A: Only if you can keep an open mind. The trial will introduce evidence that you have not read before in the supermarket tabloids. The defense lawyers have many surprises up their sleeves. Your job as a TV viewer is to weigh all the evidence and then decide if there is proof, beyond a reasonable doubt, that O.J. is guilty. You must not allow your love for the Buffalo Bills and your Hertz credit card to interfere in your decision.

Q: Every time the O.J. Simpson news goes on the air, my wife starts talking so I never hear what the announcer is saying. She comes up with stuff like "If O.J. is guilty he should get the death penalty." This doesn't bother me. Where she and I part company is when she says "ALL men should get the death penalty." What should be my response to that?

A: Tell her that she has a good point. If you agree with her, she'll stop talking while you're watching TV.

Q: What was in the sealed envelope that the defense people handed the judge?

A: A million dollars that Ed McMahon delivered to O.J.'s lawyers for a week's work.