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EXPAND USE OF DEATH PENALTY TO ALL MANNER OF MISCREANTS

For many people, the crown jewel of the crime bill is how many federal crimes may now be punished by the death penalty.

It numbers 60, and you would think that would be sufficient, considering the high cost of electricity every time the switch in the death house is pulled.Actually, I can go either way on capital punishment.

I can be convinced it is cruel and unusual punishment, but on the other hand there is something in me that would love certain people to fry.

For example, I believe all plumbers, electricians and any repairmen who promise to show up on a certain day at a certain time and don't should get capital punishment.

I also want those people who make junk calls to my house at dinner time to go to the death house. I'm not saying they should get the sentence on the first junk call - but three such phone calls and they're out.

I also want those who put me on hold and then forget about me to be sentenced to walk the last mile.

It was Shakespeare who first came out for capital punishment when he said, "Let's kill all the lawyers." He knew what he was talking about.

There's more.

The death penalty should be applied to people behind me who honk at me when I'm stuck in heavy traffic.

I'm not electrocuting everyone. The death penalty should be used only as a very last resort - such as when you fill out all your forms for a government permit for a license or a job. Three weeks later, the bureaucrats inform you that their records indicate your forms never reached their office.

I am not advocating the electric chair for the bureaucrat. But why not a public hanging, so everyone can enjoy it?

I have just so much patience. For example, I see no reason why someone who parks in front of your driveway so you can't get out should not be given the same last rites that Pat O'Brien gave to James Cagney.

Now I don't know if capital punishment is a surefire deterrent in all cases, but I suspect that if the person who promised to fix your washing machine on Tuesday knows that if he doesn't show up he'll get the chair, he will be there promptly at 6:30 in the morning.