There is much for which to be grateful during this Thanksgiving season . . . speaking cinematically, of course.
For example, I'm thankful that:- Cindy Crawford's "Fair Game" contract did not call for a multiple-picture deal.
- Annette Bening co-stars with Michael Douglas in "The American President" instead of Demi Moore. ("The American President's Disclosure," perhaps?)
- The public rejected "The Scarlet Letter." (Not that it will stop Hollywood from butchering other great American novels.)
- "Gold Diggers," the "family" movie with a violent subplot about domestic abuse, was not animated.
- Mel Brooks didn't join forces with Eddie Murphy for "Dracula: Dead and Loving It As a Vampire in Brooklyn."
- Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson have chosen not to publicly air their dirty laundry. (Sarcasm alert!)
- Pierce Brosnan is the new James Bond instead of Tom Arnold.
- The Olsen Twins aren't the Olsen Triplets.
- There are no serial killers in "It Takes Two."
- Kathy Lee Gifford doesn't make movies. (Not yet, anyway.)
- The Ernest P. Worrell pictures failed to live up to their initial box-office promise, forcing subsequent Jim Varney ventures to go straight to video. (Which means I don't have to watch them.)
- Patrick Swayze starred opposite Wesley Snipes in "To Wong Foo . . ." instead of Woody Harrelson. (Snipes and Harrelson make enough gay jokes in the macho movies they do together.)
- Joe Eszterhas, writer of "Showgirls" and "Jade" (as well as "Basic Instinct"), receives the multiple millions he deserves for those fine screenplays. (Another sarcasm alert!)
- Martin Scorsese's 3-hour epic gangsters-in-Las Vegas picture, "Casino" (which opens on Wednesday), isn't 4 hours.
- There are only seven deadly sins instead of 17. Would we really want to see all those graphic depictions of gruesome murders in the Morgan Freeman/Brad Pitt thriller "Seventeen"?
- "Babe" was not a sequel to "Gordy."
- The amazing leaps of computer logic depicted in "Hackers," "Assassins," "GoldenEye," "The Net" and "Fair Game" are not really possible. (I was beginning to think of myself as really computer illiterate.)
- The filmmakers of "The Scarlet Letter" didn't have Hester use a computer to get out of her predicament.
- Emilio Estevez will star in "The Mighty Ducks 3" this spring. (Yet another sarcasm alert!)
- Chuck Norris has left movies for television, so Scott Pierce can take over reviewing his work.
- Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal each star in only one movie a year. (Maybe those guys will land TV series soon, ya think?)
- Rebecca De Mornay realized that Hollywood wasn't going to cast her in anything worthwhile, so she had the good sense to create her own project, resulting in that fine thriller "Never Talk to Strangers." (Final sarcasm alert!)
- "Batman Forever" was really only "Batman Two Hours."
- Jim Carrey isn't getting the Piper-Heidsieck award at the Sundance Film Festival in January.
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Pierce Brosnan, the new James Bond in "GoldenEye":
"I thought the series had gone adrift near the end of (Roger) Moore's reign. I wanted to make sure there was a commitment to make a film that could stand with those pictures I loved so much as a child."
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK II: Patrick Swayze, currently starring in "Three Wishes":
"Yes, I could have made a fortune as an action star. But I don't have to make a killing to be happy. I'm going to make plenty of money in my life, but I want to do it my way. I look for opportunities that move me as a human being.
"Don't get me wrong; I love action roles, but I just don't want to get stuck doing only one thing. When I look at Arnold Schwarz-enegger or Sly Stallone or Bruce Willis, I feel no jealousy or envy. I think they've done wonderfully for what they've chosen to do. I'm trying to go in a different direction."
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK III: Ralph Fiennes, star of "Strange Days," and previously, "Quiz Show" and "Schindler's List":
"It's like fast food. You go to McDonald's and you get instant taste. Instant gratification. Then it's gone. It's dead fuel. Film in many ways can be like that."