CAMPAIGNING before the Florida Republicans' Presidency III straw poll got down and dirty.

Lamar Alexander released a copy of attack literature being distributed by the Phil Gramm campaign. The scurrilous biography Gramm sent to Presidency III delegates disclosed that as a high-spirited youth, Alexander was paddled twice - TWICE - in school for throwing snowballs at cars with out-of-state licenses.Well, this is a shocking accusation, a tribute to the fine art of opposition research. TV ads would write themselves.

A grainy driver's-license picture of Alexander would fill the screen. "Lamar Alexander. Twice apprehended for throwing snowballs at cars," a baritone voice-over would say. "What would he do if he controlled THE ATOM BOMB?

"When he was growing up in Georgia, Phil Gramm never threw snowballs at cars. His deep and abiding respect for the sanctity of private property would not allow it."

Having grown up in Florida, I know I'm clean on the snowball issue. Nevertheless, this incident demonstrates vividly the long reach of opposition research. Elementary school no longer is off-limits in a political campaign.

TV guy: "Mark Lane received at least one `U' in conduct every year he went to Ortona Elementary School. He purposely told jokes while other students where drinking their milk so it would go up their noses when they laughed. Do you want that kind of person deciding the fate of the Free World?"

Surely not.

Bob Dole's record on throwing snowballs remains undisclosed. I note only that it gets very cold in Kansas, and Dole has yet to deny throwing snowballs.

Gramm, however, was undeterred and went after Dole on other grounds. In a newspaper ad, Gramm scored Dole for offering all kinds of goodies to buy off Presidency III delegates.

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"Look at what the major presidential candidates are offering you and your family," his ad said. Below were two boxes, one listing Dole's freebies for Presidency III delegates and the other Gramm's hard-line political positions. The first line of comparison was "Bob Dole offers Godiva chocolates and cream puffs. Phil Gramm offers a balanced budget in his first term."

Hmmm, a first-year balanced budget or Godiva chocolates. Tough one.

As it is, choosing between people out on the streets or scarfing down Godiva chocolates and cream puffs in a free hotel room, I'd take the easy way out. Then ask for seconds.

What can you expect from someone who got "U"s in conduct in elementary school?

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