Secrecy is something Charlotte Staten has done well. And she doesn't intend to do it again.
For 28 years she maintained sole knowledge of the baby girl she gave up for adoption.And every year, from Mother's Day to her own June birthday, Staten fell into a deep, numbing funk. When eventually they were reunited, the effects of years of secrecy lingered, she said.
Now Staten heads LAMB - Love in Adoption Means Birth-parents. A strong proponent of open adoption records once a child is 18, she believes secrecy and privacy in adoption proceedings exacts too high a cost.
"I had physical symptoms of stress, where you suppress your feelings and they come out in other ways. Gastritis, ulcers, migraines. I was extremely frustrated."
It's as hard - or harder - on the adoptee, she said.
"It's important to know who you are. Your whole identity is tied up with your genetics. The more reunions that occur, the more genetic connection is obvious."
She said that biological parent and child, reunited, find more than a physical resemblance. They often see themselves in each others' gestures, laugh and sense of humor.
Staten was 24 and a college graduate when she got pregnant. She didn't confide in family members. Instead, she made sure she lived where they weren't, so she was isolated during what was an emotional, difficult time.
Increasingly, states are opening adoption records, she said. In Tennessee, an adoptee who is 18 can get a copy of the original birth certificate - the one before the adoptive parents' names were put on it in place of birth parents. Other states have legislation pending.
"In my opinion and in the opinion of the American Adoption Congress," said Staten, "sealed records cause damage. More women, not fewer, would place their children for adoption if they knew down the road they would be able to know that child.
"In older adoptions, a lot of women were promised that. They were lied to, and it was coercive. The effects of sealed records and harm has come full circle. Fewer women relinquish their children, knowing they're gone forever."
Although Utah is not liberalizing adoption-records access, adoptions themselves are more open.
Cami, 24, gave her child up in an open adoption. And the parents who adopted her daughter have "left it up to me how much I want to be involved."
It was a private adoption, arranged after Cami explored a variety of options.
How much contact will she have? "Not a lot. If she's growing up with two moms, she won't be stable. I want what's best for her.
"If she wants to find me someday, that will be so great. But I want it to be her decision. We write, and I get pictures of her. I don't go and see her all the time."
The baby is 11 months old now. And getting to see her a little - to watch her with her new mother, has made Cami sure she did what was right for her child.
When Elise, 22, gave her baby up for adoption 18 months ago, she was able to select the family that will be her parents.
They met the week before the baby's birth, although they didn't exchange last names. Before that, they wrote to each other.
Throughout her pregnancy, she made items for the baby. And when the child was born, they had their picture taken together - along with the hand-sewn quilt, the doll, the blessing dress.
She said she misses her baby every day but doesn't regret the decision, partly because she knows the baby's parents will tell her that her biological mother was a good person - someone they got to know.
"If when she's old enough, she comes looking for me, I'll be more than happy to see her."
For more information on open adoption records, call LAMB at 298-8520.