Dear Abby: "Irritated in Ohio" wrote to say she was upset that her 38-year-old husband phones his parents twice daily. You couldn't understand why that irritated her. Obviously, you never had to deal with nosy parents - consider yourself fortunate.
I am a university professor in my late 30s, married for more than a decade, with older children of my own. I live several hundred miles from my parents, who sound very much like "Irritated's" in-laws. My parents expect a weekly telephone report of my activities. If I don't call, I, too, get the "guilt trip."When we travel, we're instructed to call upon our return, so my folks will know we're not "lying dead on the highway somewhere."
Mother and Dad pry into our lives. They insist on knowing what my wife and I do, what we buy, how much we spend, and what we're having for dinner, etc.
Their interest goes far beyond idle curiosity. It's always followed up by my father passing judgment on whatever we did. The last time they visited, he revealed that HIS father asked how much money I make, how much I save, and what my bank balance is.
My parents treat my married siblings the same way, even asking questions about their sex lives! When we protest that we're being treated like children instead of responsible adults, they act as if they've been wounded.
My wife says there's still an umbilical cord between my parents and me. I've tried to be more assertive by waiting for them to call me, so I won't have to spend my money on long-distance calls that amount to nothing more than 45 minutes of meddling.
I love and respect my parents, but there are boundaries, and they don't know where theirs should be. I suspect you will find that there are many others in the same boat.
- 30-Plus and Still
Treated Like a Child
Dear 30-Plus: I was taken aback by the number of letters I received that echoed your sentiments. Keeping the lines of com-munication open is of great importance, but it should never be at the expense of the privacy of adult children. More on this tomorrow.
Dear Abby: I have read your column for years and you are one of my favorite people, but I was very disappointed in your response to the mother whose daughter was insulted by a blind date who told the girl that he could never marry her because he didn't want to have ugly children - then he pointed to her long nose and weak chin.
In your response you said that noses and chins could be corrected.
Abby, I'm not blaming you for going along with what is accepted as "beauty" in our society, but we all need to be a little more free-thinking.
Just because someone doesn't fit into the so-called standards of what we're told is "beauty" does not mean she or he is not beautiful.
The first time I saw Whoopi Goldberg smile, I saw beauty!
And when Barbra Streisand sings, she is transformed into one of the most beautiful women in the universe!
The same can be said about Bette Midler.
One of my best friends described me as "a slightly homely Robert Redford"! I considered that a great compliment.
I say, "Just be yourself and you will be `beautiful.' "
- Frank M. Gentile
Dear Frank: Frankly, you're right: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
1995 Universal Press Syndicate
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CROSSROADS
All of the Dear Abby columns since 1988 are available online. Search for DEAR ABBY in the Lifestyle section and the Deseret News archives.