She's asking women to control their own lives. If they can't do that, then Laura Schlessinger asks them to at least refrain from complaining and blaming some man for the mess they're in.
Sound too simple? Sound too heartless? Well that's Schlessinger's style. When you are a radio talk-show psychologist, you have about five minutes to fix someone's life. Schlessinger tells it straight and fast, every weekday, on 100 radio stations across the country.Now she's written a book, "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives."
More than one person has told her this is not an enticing title for a self-help book. "It's not a self-help book," she replies. (Schles-singer believes too many women use self-help books to identify and then excuse their self-destructive behavior. Schlessinger says it's time for women to stop acting like victims.)
If someone persists in criticizing the title - after she has explained there is a difference between doing stupid things and being a stupid person - Schlessinger gets more blunt: "It doesn't really matter what you think of the title; the book is already a best-seller."
It's not that she thinks women are the only humans who do stupid things, she says. But she wrote for women because she believes men are too busy living and doing to take time to read about relationships.
Schlessinger says she gets just as many phone calls from men as she does from women. They ask different questions, however. Men, she is amazed to report, ask questions about children (especially if they are divorced and lonely for their children). Women, not surprisingly at all, focus on men.
"I want him to change," her female callers say. "You aren't responsible for his choices," Schlessinger replies, repeatedly. "But you are responsible for your own choices - which too often entail tolerating some obnoxious male behaviors in order to avoid, for example, loneliness, assertiveness and self-sufficiency."
In her book, Schlessinger repeats the philosophies her female listeners have come to respect: Don't look to a man to confirm your worth. If you want self-esteem, you have to earn it by doing something difficult, not by getting breast implants.
Date for at least 18 months before you get engaged. If you notice that the man is controlling, drinks too much, is self-centered - stop seeing him. Never live together before you get married. Don't be physically intimate too soon. Seek a man you feel comfortable enough with to talk to about sex, commitment, marriage and children.
Put yourself first. Be brave. Don't wait to have good self-esteem before you ditch a guy who isn't good to you. You have the power over your own body; you must make rational and intelligent decisions about when and by whom you become pregnant.
Don't ever let anyone hurt your babies. It is better for you to be alone than abused; it is better for your children to grow up with a single parent than to be abused.
Schlessinger's list of 10 stupid things basically boils down to one stupid thing: not liking yourself enough to be alone.
Schlessinger herself admits to marrying out of insecurity when she was in her 20s. She had to do what she talks about. She had to be brave enough to be single.
On the other hand, she is happy to talk to women who don't want to be alone. All she asks is that they admit it and not be angry anymore. If your boyfriend has told you all along he doesn't want to marry, you have a right to be disappointed - but not angry. If your husband is cheating on you and you don't want a divorce - don't waste time being mad at him.
"I'm not condoning his behavior. I'm just trying to save the wife from having a heart attack."
Sometimes callers have it better than they think. Schlessinger encourages quite a few listeners to build their own fulfilling lives within marriages.
All of us, men and women, have a tendency to want to rework the past, she says. We choose a partner who somehow reminds us of Mom or Dad. And then we grow to hate each other for exactly those characteristics that attracted us. "When you hate him, look inside yourself," she says. "If you don't clarify your own issues, you will marry and hate, marry and hate, marry and hate - and always think the men are the problem.
"Sometimes you simply have to accept the fact that no man is going to be perfect. And that means you don't have to be perfect, either."
Laura Schlessinger can be heard locally from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. on KCNR AM 1320.