Dear Abby: About four or five years ago, you had a column titled "How to Get Along With Your Daughter-in-Law." I thought it was great, so I cut it out and carried it in my wallet. Well, my purse was snatched in a crowded mall. It was found later in a trash can, but my wallet was missing. I had only $4 or $5 in it - but what I really would like to have is your tips on how to get along with your daughter-in-law.
Could you please run it again?- Helen G., Provo, Utah
Dear Helen: With pleasure. Here it is:
1. When you telephone your son at his home and his wife answers the phone, do not say, "Is John there?" Spend a few minutes asking how she is - and what's new. And if they live out of town, when you write a letter, always address it to both your son and his wife.
2. If your son was previously married, don't bring up his past marriage. And if he's had girlfriends in the past, don't mention them either. If your daughter-in-law has been previously married and has children by that marriage, accept these grandchildren as your own. Don't play favorites.
3. Never offer advice unless it's asked for. Never criticize your daughter-in-law's cooking, housekeeping, children, friends or new hairdo. And don't try to rearrange her furniture.
4. Do display pictures that include her and her children. Every time she looks at them, it will make her feel wonderful.
5. Never say, "John looks thin" or "pale" or "tired." His wife will take it as a personal insult.
6. If your daughter-in-law has given you a gift, be sure to display it or wear it (at least once) regardless of how much you dislike it.
7. Never repeat family gossip. And try not to listen to any.
8. Never allow your son - or his wife - in the heat of anger to tell you something unkind about the other. They will eventually kiss and make up, and you will be left holding the dirty laundry.
9. If they are childless, don't harp on how much you'd like to have grandchildren. Some couples are not ready; some couples may have been trying for a long time without success; and some couple do not want children - which is strictly their business.
10. One cardinal rule: Regardless of how close you live to each other, never drop in without calling first. (A telephone call from the corner drugstore is all it takes.)
11. If perchance she has said something to hurt your feelings, don't let it fester; take it up with her - don't complain to your son.
12. Do not monopolize the holidays. Remember, your daughter-in-law has parents, siblings and friends she may want to spend time with on the holidays. Some couples may prefer spending an occasional holiday by themselves.
13. Let your son go. Recognize him for the adult he is; stop calling him Sonny, Junior, Skinny,or any other juvenile nickname he has long outgrown.
14. If you have other daughters-in-law - or daughters of your own - treat them equally. And that goes for their children, too.
Tomorrow, in the interest of fair play, I will publish some tips on how to get along with your mother-in-law.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
1995 Universal Press Syndicate