As the two dozen second-graders in a northern California classroom ripped open their valentines, a tall blond boy hooted, "Who gave out Winnie-the-Pooh cards?" Instantly, the guilty party's face crumpled. "My mom bought those," he mumbled, his brown eyes quickly filling up. "I wanted Garfield." With that, the whole class braced itself for yet another of his tearful scenes.

Kids know all too well that crying isn't cool, not even at the tender age of 5 or 7. Once children are past preschool, they tend to see weepers as losers; quick comebacks and stiff upper lips are more likely to win respect. So why do some youngsters bawl over a spilled milkshake and others brush it off, unperturbed?Frequent crying can be brought on by an overly sensitive disposition that makes a child too keenly aware of what others think. Poor self-esteem also may be to blame: Playful jibes that elicit giggles from a confident child will cut less confident peers to the core. And there are times when sheer frustration is the cause. "Some kids get overwhelmed by their feelings and can't express them," explains Alan Hirsch, a psychologist at the Capable Kid and Family Counseling Center in Evanston, Ill. The stress of a new school or a divorce can turn even the most resilient child into a weeping willow.

Then, too, profuse tears can simply be manipulative, a child's means of getting his way - although parents are apt to be more easily swayed by such tactics than classmates, points out Sheila Ribordy, a professor of clinical psychology at DePaul University in Chicago. "Often, children who cry frequently do so because they feel powerless," she adds - which is precisely why they need to learn how to take action instead. Parents can hardly teach such difficult lessons overnight, but they can use experts' advice to devise a sensible, beginning strategy.

- Face the facts. Be empathetic with an upset child, but don't go overboard in consoling him; he needs to know that "being sad or frustrated is part of life," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist in Overland Park, Kan. Consistency counts, too: If one parent offers practical advice for bucking up but the other always sympathizes with the "poor baby," crying bouts may persist or even escalate. No one can force a child to feel happy, but he can learn to verbalize his feelings - often the first step in relieving his distress.

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- Search for causes. If a child cries when he's tired or hungry, help him recognize the symptoms so he can learn when he needs to slow down or get a snack. If a family disruption is the likely cause of the tearfulness, giving him some special attention at times when he isn't crying can be comforting without bringing on more sniffles.

- Practice a game plan. Some kids have to learn that there is nothing wrong with getting angry when their feelings are hurt, Ribordy says. To pump up self-assurance, have them rehearse quips like "Look who's talking," or teach them to stalk off rather than slinking away. Other children need to give themselves time to calm down - by counting to 10 or taking several deep breaths - to stave off tears. And all kids should be taught that some situations may require asking for help from a teacher or a coach.

- Set a mellow example. There are times when kids "are so competitive and self-critical that they burst into tears when they aren't first in line or they miss a basket," Hirsch says. "They need to know that it's OK not to be perfect." To convey that, fess up at home about mistakes you make, and react matter-of-factly to a child's missteps.

- Laugh it off. A family's lighthearted banter or good-natured teasing shows how humor can ease little upsets. After all, the sobbing second-grader could have had the last laugh if he'd just told his classmates, "My mom bought those dorky valentines. I call him Winnie-the-Poop."

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