With or without Jose Canseco, I'm picketing the TV sports scene until:
- I cleanse myself of the feeling that baseball is bigger than all of us. Am I alone or has eight months without the major leagues been enough for you, too? I'll come back, Donald and Bud. What time? What station?- Someone throws overboard anyone who admits to being captured by America's Cup drama. Nearly a decade after ESPN acquired the rights - were there other interested parties? - viewers hear "sail" and wonder what's discounted at the ZCMI Center.
- The sport of hockey uses a Zamboni to flatten any and all of those responsible for the walkout. We cared just a wee bit about pucks last spring, but now I wash my hair at night just so I won't have to sit through the Blackhawks and the Blues.
- Boxing cuts to the chase and gives us Tyson-Foreman instead of Oliver McCall and Bruce Seldon. Shouldn't the network executives read the stationary? It says Showtime.
- CBS comes down from the tower and admits others know something about telecasting golf. From where I've sat, at "see-level," CBS has been ordinary in its coverage of the Masters and events like the one at Hilton Head. Caddies have stood in the camera's view of putts and players have launched drives into places unknown. If I wanted drives into places unknown, I'd launch my own.
- Oksana gets a new headdress and the Frenchman gets a shirt. They can skate across America, but across the dial, too?
- Mel Kiper tells us his hair stylist so we don't make the same mistake. You want to know where Warren Sapp is going Saturday in the NFL Draft? High drama for me is finding out if Marcia Clark tipped Kiper off on the way to make friends and influence people through a new hairdo.
- NBC and ABC take their battle over the 1995 World Series to Judge Lance Ito's courtroom. On second thought, forget it. That decision wouldn't come before 450 sidebars and the calendar read 1997.
- Steve Young holds a televised announcement and fails to invite Joe Montana.
- We go online with ESPN to tell them to forget a constant box updating score, pitch count and number of outs. Baseball is slow enough. If we can't follow, we're as dumb as you thought we were. Don't answer that.