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HOW ABOUT TYING UP LOOSE ENDS?

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Ten-point political "contracts," noble promises with pretty titles, are in fashion. Nevertheless, some of the nation's needs are being neglected. So, here is the Contract to Tidy Up Loose Ends.

The Young American Male Beautification Act. The government has shoved billboards back from some highways and fenced off junkyards but has done nothing about the worst eyesores. Therefore Congress shall impose a tax of $1,000 per pair of earrings sold to young men.The Captains Of Industry "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You" Compensation Act. Any leader of any industry benefiting from a government subsidy - for example, low interest loans, export assistance, a tariff on competitive foreign products - shall have the status of, and shall not be eligible to receive compensation higher than, a federal bureaucrat.

The Two For The Price Of One, Don't Mess With This Tough Country Security Act. This closes Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House - but only to Japanese luxury cars.

The We Don't Need Term Limits - And We Can Sure Find Out Quickly Who Is In Congress For The Right Reasons - Congressional Pension Reform. Any senator retiring after two terms or any representative retiring after six terms shall receive a lifetime pension of $1 million a year tax-free, and any legislator serving longer shall receive upon retirement $10,000 a year taxed at the highest rate the legislator ever voted for.

The "Hey, If We Are Really Serious About Democracy Let's Get On With It" Pizza Voter Act. The namby-pamby Motor Voter Act requires only that states provide for registering voters at offices where driver's licenses and welfare and other government benefits are issued. This new act will require that the kid who delivers your pizza be prepared to register you, the better to improve the thoughtfulness of the electorate by making it bigger.

The San Diego Tank Demonstration Project Block Grant For Better Rush Hour Traffic. Every community large enough to have morning and evening rush hours shall receive a grant to purchase tanks that shall roll down the curb lanes during hours when parking is banned in those lanes, smushing parked cars. Tanks also shall be used to make an impression on drivers who do not signal a left turn until they are sitting in the middle of the intersection.

The Sauce For The Gander Corporation For Public Newspapers Act. Most American households are wired for cable and so have scores of choices in television programming. Most American communities have at most one newspaper. Yet we have a Corporation for Public Broadcasting to subsidize yet another television offering but no Corporation for Public Newspapers. A CPN would provide the "diversity" so heartily praised by newspaper editorials in support of the CPB.

The Lump Them Together And Let Liberals Sort It Out, Zero-Sum Game Appropriation Consolidation. All monies for the National Endowment for the Arts and National Endowment for the Humanities shall be put into one big pot with all monies for AIDS research and Head Start and infant nutrition.

The Omnibus Sports Improvement Act. NBA referees who do not call traveling and baseball umpires who do not call the full strike zone are sentenced (if this punishment does not violate the Eighth Amendment) to attend arena football games.

The 1995 Crime Control Act To Prevent Violence Against the American Language. It shall be a crime, punishable by having "The Bridges of Madison County" read aloud to an offender, to use "anxious" and "eager" as synonyms, or "disinterested" and "uninterested" as synonyms.

There. Ten items. We contract writers know when to stop rather than risk overburdening humanity.