As the 1996 presidential campaign winds down, its many light-hearted moments should be remembered. OK, its few such moments.
Many think the defining moment of the Bob Dole campaign may have been Sept. 18 in Chico, Calif., when he leaned against a rail that wasn't nailed down and plunged headfirst into the crowd. While the first reaction of nearly everyone was horror, Dole's immediate recovery and nonstop quips saved the day for him. "I think I just earned my third Purple Heart going over the rail. I think you could say I've fallen for Chico."He would later amplify it to say that he was merely "reaching out" to voters or "trying to do that Democratic dance, the Macarena. I won't do that again."
From then on, he would say, "Don't worry. I'm not going to dive off the stage today." Now, he uses the incident to illustrate his point that there are too many lawsuits in America. As he was falling, he says, his cell phone rang, and it was a trial lawyer telling him, "I think we have a case here."
Dole's worst gaffe - ranking up there with George Bush putting Pearl Harbor Day on Sept. 7 or telling voters "I'm coming up with my own drug problem" and Dan Quayle spelling "potato" with an "e" - was probably referring to Hideo Nomo as pitching for the "Brooklyn" Dodgers, a team that actually left Brooklyn in 1957.
His best one-liner may have been when the Republican convention showed a schmaltzy video of his life, playing up his war wounds and his family's poverty. Dole, who has harshly criticized Hollywood for movies he hasn't seen, joked, "I finally found a movie I like."
Dole, who had people saying he looked positively "lifelike" during the debates, occasionally uses self-deprecating humor about his age of 73 (if he wins, he would be the oldest president ever to be elected to a first term). Usually, he notes that Strom Thurmond, the 93-year-old Republican senator seeking another term from South Carolina, thinks Dole is a kid.
Vice President Al Gore, who has a well-deserved reputation for being wooden, elicited his most genuine laughter when he took the lectern at the Democratic National Committee to "dance" the Macarena. Standing stock still, his face frozen, he deadpanned, "Do you want to see me do it again?"
Dole's running mate, Jack Kemp, ex-quarterback, ex-congressman and ex-Housing secretary, is usually too earnest and eager to discuss policy to joke, although he has a good sense of humor. Sometimes he lets loose.
He says he decided to go into politics after retiring from the Buffalo Bills in 1970. "After two broken ankles, two broken shoulders, a broken passing hand and 11 concussions, there was nothing left to do but go into Congress. The only thing I never broke was my hair."
While comedian Mark Russell says Clinton is a master of humor, the president has been cheerful and upbeat but careful to avoid giving his critics any new ammunition. Russell's take is that Clinton is "at his best at a funeral doing a eulogy. Bob Dole is at his best when the funeral is not his own."
It was Hillary Rodham Clinton who unintentionally provided humor when it was revealed she had a White House meeting where she had imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt.
Dole now never fails to says that his wife Elizabeth, a lawyer and $200,000 head of the American Red Cross, is "so talented that Eleanor Roosevelt is trying to contact her."
Well, we tried to glean humor this year. The problem with this election is that Dole is so desperate he tried to court his enemy Ross Perot and Clinton is so worried about low turnout and having no coattails to elect Democrats to Congress that he dare not joke.
Nothing like Ronald Reagan telling Walter "I'll-raise-your-taxes" Mondale in 1984, "I'd say you were taxing my patience, but it would just give you another idea."
Nothing like George Bush saying of rival Michael Dukakis, "I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks naval exercises are something you'd find in a Jane Fonda workout book."
Of course, the highlight of the year for comedians was the revelation that Dick Morris, the political guru who helped resurrect Clinton's political career by urging him to be more "family" oriented and conservative, was seeing a $200-an-hour prostitute and sharing with her presidential conversations and the information that NASA had found evidence of life on Mars.
Sometimes life is stranger than fiction.
But sometimes political races are, to quote Russell, "B-o-r-i-n-g."