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HERE’S HOW TO WIN THE UTAH 500

SHARE HERE’S HOW TO WIN THE UTAH 500

Reference: Evans, Nov. 5; Warden and Schippers, Nov. 12; on Utah drivers.

Gentlemen, you just don't understand the rules of the road. It is based on surviving the Utah 500. There are 500 opportunities to get your car dinged between Provo and 600 South in Salt Lake City. Rules are simple; you get points for each infraction of the Utah Highway Patrol Handbook. For instance: A lane change without signaling merits 5 points, but if you can change three lanes at once without signals, the points grow geometrically for a total of 125 points. Cutting in between cars when there is only one inch to spare earns 25 points, 50 if you can make the guy behind you hit his brakes and cause his car and the car behind him, which is normally tailgating, to touch bumpers.Additionally, doing 75 mph in a 65 mph zone is worth only 5 points, but if you can crank up the Tin Lizzy to 85, you get 15 points. But to win the Beehive Crown of Gold: If you are a young lady driving a little red car doing 90 mph and you can change three lanes and back again, cut in and cause three old dudes to have near heart attacks, all while passing the Utah Highway Patrol, you get 500 points and win the game.

Unfortunately, only 999 drivers each day can play this game; the rest of the 300,000 drivers on the same route can only drive civilly, chew Tums and talk on the cell phone. So you see, gentlemen, leaving out your suppositions about why Utah drivers are so bad and casting all aspersions aside, mastering driving in Utah is not hard at all. After all, if this were California, the CHP would be picking up 999 drivers with gunshot wounds.

Leo J. Lee

Springville