This is what you should be aware of when March Madness begins on Thursday:
There will be no attempt by the UCLA Bruins to outsmart the Princeton Tigers. There will be a great deal of taunting by Princeton players involving the letters SAT and GPA. . ..Valparaiso is a fine university making its first visit to the tournament. Valparaiso is not an Italian character actor. . ..
The fact that George Washington was first in war and first in peace couldn't prevent it from being seeded 11th in the West. . ..
UConn, which has designs on reaching the Final Four, is hoping not to crest against Colgate. . ..
Kentucky and Louisville both are in the Midwest. This is expected to create a bourbon shortage in the rest of the nation. . ..
Utah is playing Canisius. Most of the Utah players think Canisius was a character in "Spartacus" . . .
Mississippi State is playing Virginia Commonwealth. Of all the goofy names you could come up with for a school, how did they settle on Mississippi State? . . .
Bob Knight and his Indiana team are heading to Orlando. When they are not practicing for the tournament, the Hoosiers will be at Epcot as an example to tourists of what a military regime is like. . ..
The Drexel subway alumni will be irate over a lack of tickets. . ..
North Carolina, UNC Greensboro, Western Carolina and South Carolina State are all in the tournament. The first CBS geek who sings, "Carolina On My Mind" is getting a nasty letter from me. . ..
Austin Peay will mistakenly be referred to more than once as the car James Bond used to drive. . ..
New Orleans is in the tournament, which means Tabasco at the pre-game meal and Hurricanes afterward. . ..
An absent-minded gambler in Las Vegas will lose a ton of money because he'll go to the window, ask for "Monmouth," and bet on a basketball team instead of a horse race. . ..
No truth to the rumor that Villanova was placed in Milwaukee because that city happens to be in one of Kerry Kittles' calling circles. . ..
Wisconsin-Green Bay is playing in Dallas. Teams from Green Bay, Wisconsin, never do well in Dallas. . ..
If UMass and Temple somehow meet, it will be akin to a religious experience. . ..
CBS will broadcast Billy Packer's commentary on a seven-second delay. . ..
Both Iowa and Iowa State gained bids to the tournament. The state finally gets the goosebumps to go away from having Bob Dole, Phil Gramm and Steve Forbes campaigning in the Iowa Caucuses, and now this. . ..
Central Florida made the field. It is the only school in the NCAA Tournament with the word Central in its title. Headquarters for fans, alumni and media following the team will be known as Central Florida Central. . ..
Like football players who shave their heads to show solidarity, Rick Pitino will join his Kentucky Wildcats and wear a denim suit. . ..
UCLA knows where Tulsa is. Tulsa is in the Midwest, far away from UCLA. . ..
Stanford - long known as the Harvard of the East - was placed in the East. This might be a case where someone could say they went to a basketball tournament and an academic decathlon broke out. . ..
One guy in your office pool - the one who literally knows nothing whatsoever about sports - will still pick Kentucky over San Jose State. . ..
NCAA officials will insist that Fresno State's exclusion had nothing to do with any grudge against Jerry Tarkanian. Of course, they'll have a hard time explaining the party hats and noisemakers. . ..
One monumental upset will take place. Whatever it is, Dick Vitale will claim he's not surprised. . ..
An over-under wager is expected to be offered in Las Vegas on the number of times play-by-play announcers refer to Memphis as Memphis State. . ..
If Portland loses in the first round, it will be blamed on either P.J. Carlisimo or Rod Strickland. . ..
Advertisers will boycott the New Mexico-Kansas State game on the belief that no one cares about it enough to watch. . ..
Marquette is in Milwaukee, but it has to travel to Providence, R.I., to play its first-round game instead of being put in the Midwest at Milwaukee. You know there's some kind of airline and hotel deal going on here somewhere. . ..
If the Big Ten has five teams in the tournament, then they should be known as the Big Five. Simple arithmetic. . ..
Marge Schott will hear that Cincinnati was placed in the Southeast and she'll become incensed over the mistaken belief that they had another realignment vote and she wasn't invited.