THE GREAT GAME known as the 1996 presidential race is about to go into halftime. So let me pretend to be a coach and offer the players a little gratuitous advice worth, I'm sure, every penny.
TO BILL CLINTON: Hold on to that rabbit's foot you've got in your pocket. If your lucky streak can last just eight more months - if no more disclosures about Whitewater or Paula Jones come spilling out - you'll be the first Democratic president since Roosevelt to spend a full two terms in the White House.Here's what you need to do now: Run as far to the right as you can - as far as Hillary will let you - so you don't leave much room for maneuver to your opponent who, we can now assume, will be Bob Dole.
Keep talking about balancing the budget, reforming welfare, cutting taxes for the embattled middle class, wearing school uniforms, all that stuff. Once you're re-elected, you can do whatever you want and who (except some radio talk-show hosts - those big fat idiots!) is going to remind you what you promised? And remember to send Ross Perot's daughter flowers on her anniversary. If his Reform party runs a presidential candidate, you won't even need the rabbit's foot.
TO BOB DOLE: You have to turn your liabilities into assets. Not easy. Not for Bob Dole. Defuse the age issue by making lots of jokes about it, like Reagan used to do. Recall the advice Lincoln gave you when you were just starting out. Promise that when you're president, all Americans will live to be 100. (You'll be amazed how many people won't know you're kidding.)
Add, more seriously, that if Clinton had only waited 10 or 20 years, he might have had enough seasoning and experience to be a good president instead of a windsock, blowing with the zeitgeist.
Get some good opposition research types to dig up clips of Slick Willy flip-flopping on one issue after another.
Finally, have someone you trust find out if there's a chance Colin Powell would sign on as your running mate. Offer him a Cabinet position if that's what it takes. Yes, this will make many religious conservatives angry. Remind them that when Bob & Elizabeth are in the White House, the doors will be open to them as they've never been with Bill & Hillary in residence.
TO PATRICK BUCHANAN: It's time to sit down and think about what it is you're trying to accomplish. Split the GOP and you destroy the Gingrich revolution. Bolt the GOP and run for president as Ross Perot's boy, and you virtually ensure that Clinton beats Dole. You really want that to be your legacy?
You were right to demonstrate that there are disgruntled voters out there. You were right to call attention to how shabbily both parties have treated low-skill, blue-collar workers. But you know you can't permanently cure what ails them by forcing other Americans to pay huge taxes for goods made by foreigners - foreigners who also buy goods made by much more highly skilled American workers.
TO STEVE FORBES: If you can't make it in New York, you aren't going to make it in '96. Promote your ideas at the GOP convention in August and don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Your home is in New Jersey: Any interest in Bill Bradley's Senate seat?